Abs vs. Flab

Yikes, I can’t believe it. After staying away from the gym for five years I’ve gotten back into working out regularly. And as of right now, I’m glad I did. I’m stretching, crunching, twisting, dangling, and of course lifting.

This dude overdid it…I keep telling myself to go slow, which is tough when you’ve awakened to the sins of your slothfulness and your ready once more to do battle with the forces of nature and time. (BTW, this guy is DEFINITELY NOT me..today, anyway.)

You would not know it to look at me today, but I use to have a V shape. But through the passage of time (and too much pasta and desserts) I’ve morphed into an A shape. So now I’m trying to reverse the effects of gravity, not to mention a weakness for anything sweet.

This shape-shifting is a magic act in which I must take a pudgy roll around the center of my body that now allows me to float when thrown off the Playboy yacht (Catalina Island is further from the shore than you think, when you’re doing the Dead Man float) and slowly push it back up into my chest and shoulders.

I got tired of my darling wife Josie wrapping her arms around me and saying in a low sexy voice, “Honey, remember when your shoulders were so nice and big?”

I’d give one of those man grunts in response, which in gorilla speak means don’t bother me, but inside my higher being keeps saying, “She’s right. Where did that guy go?”

So here’s my challenge: Can I turn this current A frame back into a V shape before the earth makes one more circle of the sun?

Sure, why not. Newton’s ghost is whispering to me that gravity always wins in the end, but that doesn’t mean I have to go down without putting up one hell of a fight.

It’s crunch time,


Columnist, His Lips Unzipped