The Duchess Digest: Jill Has an Open Letter to Wes

wifeyDear Wes,

Where to begin? I have to say that I found your email both touching and irritating at the same time. I can echo the sentiments of many-a-woman responding to your email. I do find it troubling that you actually used the words, “trying to find another wife” and mentioned the Cleaver household as an ideal situation. A wife is actually a woman, which would lead one to believe she is also a human being, not a piece of chattel. I don’t think you’re some jerk guy who truly believes a woman is property; my guess is you’re a really decent, heartfelt guy. But you may consider how you’re presenting yourself to the world.

Men aren’t the only ones scared off by “spouse hunting.” If you went on a date with a woman and she said to you, “Trying to find another husband is tough,” or referred to her biological clock in any way, my guess is you’d be equally disturbed. Be honest, you would.

You mention chivalry in the context of the stay-at home wife. I looked up chivalry in the dictionary (yes I am a nerd – and actually, I looked up
“chivalrous,” since it’s the action behind the ideal) and the Webster’s definition is “marked by gracious courtesy and high-minded consideration, especially to women.” Nowhere does it mention baking cookies and being overjoyed at your arrival home (perhaps a dog and home delivery food service would be worth looking into).

I think I get what you’re trying to say. You’re a nice hard-working guy who’d like a more traditional home life. I get that. I think most women do. But in this day and age women want something that fulfills them too. Would you honestly want a wife at home all day with no ambitions beyond the gym and baking? She would drive you crazy! You would be the sole source of her happiness, finances, companionship and personal growth. That’s a pretty big weight to carry around. My guess is she would become a burden to you far sooner then a treasured asset in the home.

What you are probably really looking for is a woman who shares your ideals, values and traditional view of family life. I think that’s great. I myself grew up with a stay-at home mom and purposely sought out a career in coaching and writing so that I could adapt my workload around my family one day. So I get what you’re wanting. But you may need to re-address your expectations of the image. I would wager you’re looking to share a life with a partner who also loves herself and the relationship enough to have development, growth and education outside of just you. If you focus on the right girl, then the two of you could negotiate a home/professional life balance that suits both of your needs. Try to see these “dates” with an attitude of chivalry and what you have to offer in high-minded consideration of a woman as your potential partner. I’m a big believer in what you put out comes back at you, seek to understand and you’ll be
understood, etc. You get the point.

Good luck!

Jill Brown is a Los Angeles, California-based life coach and writer. She earned her Bachelors in Humanities and Sociology from USU and is a member of the National Association for Conflict Resolution and the Ladies Who Launch Network. She is the founder of “The Duchess Guide” a website dedicated to helping women become their most fabulous and unique selves. She is an avid outdoor enthusiast, traveler and health nut. When she isn’t writing or working on Duchess, Jill loves spending all her free time with her Labrador – Betty. For more on The Duchess Guide or Jill visit: