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Show Off!Earlier this week Reuters reported that “Sigurdur Hjartarson is missing a human penis. But he’s not worried: four men have promised to donate theirs to him when they die.

Hjartarson is founder and owner of the Icelandic Phallological Museum.”

The story goes on to explain that several years ago Hjartarson began a collection of penises that range from a sperm whale’s massive member, to the microscopic love tool of a hamster.

Missing from his collection are samples of human male penises, but not to worry: a number of his Icelandic neighbors have generously offered their own equipment after they go to their final rest.

I visit my own live phallogical exhibit whenever I step into the men’s locker room at my local Gold’s Gym. No matter how hard I try to look in another direction, one of those damn things always comes flopping by. Case in point: I’m minding my own business digging through my gym bag looking for my iPod when I look up and their walking toward me is one more guy badly in need of a towel. As for the members of my sex who enjoy intimate moments with their fellow males, I have no idea what they find attractive about the male penis. Nor do I understand why this equipment comes in such a wide variety of shapes and sizes. God needed to give men a simpler design and standardize it like ears, for example.

Of course you have the odd shaped ear now and then, but by and large they are rather innocent and lovable appendages. I’ve known many women who enjoy a nibble and a nuzzle on a man’s ear, but hardly feel so inspired when confronted with the business end of the male sexual organ.

Unlike ears, penises come in an incredible variety of sizes, shapes and skin tones. Long and thin, short and thick, long and thick, and I won’t go into the circumcised and uncircumcised varieties. Their shades can run from sunset red to gray morning mist. If noses and ears came in so many odd shapes, sizes, and colors every bar you passed would look like a scene out of Star Wars.

I wish I didn’t know so much about the penis and I have no interest in learning anymore. When in Iceland, if ever, I’ll definitely take a pass on Sigurdur Hjartarson’s Phallological Museum. Maybe I’m a bit of a stiff, but It’s just not my kind of place to hang out.

Martin Brown
SMW Money Editor