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Sex & the Single Woman: Stuck in the Gap

It is a well-documented fact, especially among women, that men generally mature slower than women. It is something we are forced to accept, despite the fact that this is often hard to do.

Recently, my girl friends and I are noticing that this gap in maturity is manifesting itself in a new, not good way. We are lucky enough to be friends with a lot of great guys and we hang out with them a lot. Lately, however, we’ve noticed that they seem to have a habit of egging each other on when it comes to picking up women.

As a woman in the dating circuit, I have nothing against a guy who wants to spit some game on a girl. However, there is a difference between seeing an attractive woman and wanting to talk to her. and hitting on any female that walks by just for kicks.

It seems to me that no matter how old I get, this maturity gap doesn’t seem to be closing in at all. At what point are we supposed to accept that the men we know and love aren’t going to get any more mature?

–Maggie

A Future Military Wife’s Notes on Separation

Being separated from the one you love is always hard to bear.  When that separation is premised on a journey into war, the emotions are magnified and compounded with fear.

In the weeks leading up to our separation, I was very nervous.  Our relationship was so new.  Even though our love was strong, I couldn’t predict our outcome.  I knew that I wanted to make it work, so I figured the best thing I could do was block out any fear or insecurity.  I must live every moment to the fullest and spend every moment with him as if it were my last.

As the day approached it was hard not to think about it.  I knew some of what Charleston had been through in his first deployment.  I was terrified of what he would go through this time.  I had one reassurance.  I knew he was fearless and would stop at nothing to accomplish the mission or to protect his men.  Later, I learned the extent of what that meant.  I can only be thankful for my ignorance at the time.

The night before he left was very special.  The timing was unfortunate.  I was in the middle of a very demanding work schedule and was unable to take time off.  Even though I was so tired when I got to Charleston’s house that night, I was beaming with energy.  We went to a restaurant and just talked and laughed for hours.  That night is an incredibly positive memory and set the tone for a hopeful, as opposed to a desolate goodbye.

Saying goodbye to the love of your life, knowing they will be gone for months, with minimal communication, and living in a constant fear for their life, is a feeling that cannot be put into words.  Controlling the emotions takes a tremendous amount of faith.  When Charleston left I was devastated, but I knew that he would be okay, that this love was more than a two-month fling.  I truly believed that he would return and we would be together.

To keep the love alive during our separation, we both had relied on our faith.  I believed in our love knowing it was the kind that would last forever.  It was important to hold on to this faith, especially during times when there was no communication.  If I let my mind think the worst it would bring down my spirits and lessen my resolve.  If I was negative or fearful, I might portray these emotions to Charleston and weaken his faith.  I knew that I couldn’t do that.  He needed the hope and faith to inspire him, to keep him safe.  The most important thing that I could do for him was to be positive and reassuring.

I had to be strong and selfless in order to protect what we had made for ourselves.  I wanted to provide Charleston with a place he could go to escape the daily realities that he faced.  A place that was safe and honest, and full of warmth and love.  In this world we truly got to know one another.

Everyday of a separation is a challenge.  Never knowing when you will hear from him, never really knowing if he is okay.  Some people read or listen to the news religiously to find some sense of reassurance.  I couldn’t listen or read.  Everything I heard filled me with wonder and dread.  Instead, I went about my life as usual.  I spent a lot of time praying, and writing.  I felt closest when I was writing or reading what he had written to me.  I lived for his emails and letters or even the occasional phone calls, which most often came in the middle of the night.  Every communication was a blessing.  I treasured every word. I read and re-read letters and poetry that he sent to me.  I kept some of my favorites in my nightstand and would read them at night before I went to sleep.

We built a foundation through these letters.  And for me, I truly found myself. Charleston asked many questions that I could not easily answer.  He asked tough questions about life and relationships, and showed me the significance of deciding what was truly important.  I had never felt that someone cared so much for me to want to know the deep-seeded truth of whom I was.  It was sometimes uncomfortable and I was initially resistant, but I felt that I owed it to him and myself to be honest in all regards.  I had to take the time to really think about answers to the questions that were asked.  This was a challenge I had not anticipated but it was one of the most important aspects of our separation.

Being reunited is one of the most powerful and overwhelming experiences of a lifetime.  A joy comes over you that flows through your whole body and makes you feel like you will burst.  It is hard to contain the emotion and it takes some time for the reality to sink in.  When Charleston and I were reunited I literally fainted in anticipation.  Luckily, I came to in time for our meeting.  I could see him before he saw me, and as I walked toward him it felt like it took an eternity to get there.  When our eyes finally locked it was as if this huge weight had been lifted off of my shoulders and I just melted in his arms.  I don’t know how long we remained but I could have stayed in that embrace.  It was a magical moment that I cherish.

It is never favorable to be separated from your love, though the realities of life often require it.  Charleston and my love for him truly blossomed during this time.  I don’t know if our relationship would be the same without that time apart.  Today, I couldn’t be happier.  A separation can strengthen or tear apart a relationship.  We were lucky that we were made stronger and I wouldn’t change any of it.

___________________________________________

Talle Gilmore is the fiancee of   Charleston Malkemus (http://www NULL.charlle NULL.com) , a Captain in the United States Marine Corps who served two tours in Iraq. Malkemus has just published a touching collection of his heartfelt love letters he wrote to his lovewhile serving in Iraq – Charlle:  NULL.amazon NULL.com/gp/product/0982909608/ref=as_li_ss_tl?ie=UTF8&tag=sinminwom-20&linkCode=as2&camp=217145&creative=399373&creativeASIN=0982909608">Charlle: The making of a real True Love story NULL.assoc-amazon NULL.com/e/ir?t=&l=as2&o=1&a=0982909608&camp=217145&creative=399373" width="1" height="1" border="0" alt="" style="border:none !important; margin:0px !important;)The Making of a Real True Love Story. He received his B.A. from the University of Pennsylvania and now lives with Talle, his future wife – and the love of his life – in south Florida.

For more information on Talle and Charleston’s  epic romance, visit their website: www.charlle.com/book (http://www NULL.charlle NULL.com/)

You can read Charleston’s article here.

The Loving Separation: One Marine’s Perspective

The alarm blares at 5:00am, like the screech of a chicken indignant that the world is still at rest.  But, the hallowing scream is a relief from the restless prison of the past two hours.  I awake, relieved.

I have everything laid out and packed, so I won’t be late.  I lightly kiss and breathe the words goodbye knowing that I will see her later at our farewell.  When the car door shuts finality sinks in.  It is warm and comforting.  I didn’t wake anyone; no complications were had.

And since I am already gone, nothing is holding me back.

After a few hours into the sunrise, when all the trucks are loaded and the Marines are counted, families begin to arrive.  The Marines are eager to depart, but happy to share these last few moments with their families.

Weaving through the crowds of kisses, tears, and prolonged embraces Marines introduce their families to their leadership.  Their Squad Leaders, Platoon Sergeants, and I reassure them we will take good care of them.  A promise we cannot guarantee, but we mean it all the same.

When she finally arrives, she knows to wait her turn.  My duty is to my Marines families and their confidence as we depart for war.

When I finally find a window, I am a bit resentful, but only slightly.  I have already left.  I have been envisioning this for months and have come to terms with this deployment weeks ago.  I know I have to go.  I know the sacrifice of missed memories, shared experiences, and lost chances.  But I can tell walking towards her that we are already separated in time and space as the tears well up in her eyes.

I can only walk so far before I reach the end where my world finishes and hers begins.  I can’t walk over without being completely disarmed and I can’t go forward without protection.  She has to take those last few steps with full streams of tears.  Only in the last few days has she begun to struggle with the quivering idea.  She is now becoming fully aware of this question as she wraps her arms around me.

How can you on this one, but no particular, morning say goodbye to someone you love for seven months?  You hug them drawing their body into yours so their impression will remain with you while they are gone.  You kiss them on the cheek so tenderly, as if you are kissing the lightness of their spirit, knowing if this maybe forever, so that their spirit will have something of you to hold onto.

You say I love you, not looking at them as if the deepest omission of truth between you and the world.

You say it as the most vulnerable notion, a complete surrender.

But if I ever want to see you again, I can’t be vulnerable.  I can’t surrender.  I have to survive.  I have to be strong.

The sounds of these wails are clamoring.  They are clawing at your endurance.  Violence is stirring, but you try to contain it.  You don’t want this last moment to end in conflict.  You love everything of her.  Every ounce of hair, the tilt in her face, the blink of her eyes, the connection in her hands, are your ornaments of faith.  The grounding force makes you whole.  You don’t want the current confused state to be lasting.  You don’t want any regrets.  I swallow those sounds.  I push the words.  I force the embrace.  I know this already.  I knew it weeks ago.  There is no way to say goodbye.  No one is loving separation.

Love is a bond.  We are made whole together.  Separation tears that apart with our souls in full objection.  We may refute it, deny it, and even try to take ownership of it.  We yell at ourselves “Fine if this is going to happen then I am going to do it” and break it off prematurely.  There is no gentle way to fracture a soul, so don’t do it.  Don’t separate.  I leave every morning to go to work.  I leave for a short trip.  I leave for a quick errand.  “Goodbye, my darling!  What would you like for dinner?”  What would you like for dinner?

If goodbye is appropriate, then say it with that same sense of lightness or joy that soothes the mind and calms the soul.  Return is imminent–or is it? Do not try to predict the outcome of departures.  Be at one with whom you love because you will always see them above.

No one is loving separation, and I don’t either.

___________________________________________

Charleston Malkemus (http://www NULL.charlle NULL.com) is a Captain in the United States Marine Corps who served two tours in Iraq. Charleston has just published a touching collection of his heartfelt love letters he wrote to his love Talle Gilmore while serving in Iraq – Charlle:  NULL.amazon NULL.com/gp/product/0982909608/ref=as_li_ss_tl?ie=UTF8&tag=sinminwom-20&linkCode=as2&camp=217145&creative=399373&creativeASIN=0982909608">Charlle: The making of a real True Love story NULL.assoc-amazon NULL.com/e/ir?t=&l=as2&o=1&a=0982909608&camp=217145&creative=399373" width="1" height="1" border="0" alt="" style="border:none !important; margin:0px !important;)The Making of a Real True Love Story. He received his B.A. from the University of Pennsylvania and now lives with his future wife – and the love of his life – in south Florida.

For more information on Charleston and Talle’s epic romance, visit their website: www.charlle.com/book (http://www NULL.charlle NULL.com/)

You can read Talle’s article here.

Sex & the Single Woman: Conflict

As someone who constantly seeks answers to the dating questions that are as old as time, I make it a point to listen to every piece of advice that comes my way. While I believe that there is not one key way to meet men, I’m not sure if I buy conflicting ideas.

Let me explain.

One thing I’ve heard time and time again is that you can’t make things happen. I mean, it’s even a song: “You Can’t Hurry Love.” I agree with the fact that you can’t conjure up the perfect man, but that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t do something.

Which brings me to the next thing. I’ve also heard that a woman shouldn’t sit back and expect to fall into romance. She needs to actively meet people, to get her butt off the couch and act like she cares.

So which do you do? You can’t do both. Right now, I’m currently taking the Plan B route of being proactive. We’ll see how it goes.

–Maggie

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