Sex & the Single Woman: Bad Boyfriend, Take Two

All week we will be posting stories from Sex & the Single Woman’s Worst Boyfriend Of All Time contest. The winner with the most comments (minimum 5) wins a Breakup Gram from Girlfriend Grams. Start voting now, or email to share your own bad boyfriend story!

I met a gorgeous guy back in 1979 and we dated for 3 years and were in love. But we were young and stupid and couldn’t appreciate what we had and eventually he broke up with me.

In 2005, I decided to find him to see if we could rekindle our love. I figured we were older and wiser…

I Googled him and found him! I was now 46 and he was 48. He had been married for 16 years and had two kids, but was going through a terrible divorce and was already dating someone whom he had also reconnected with from way back. I wasn’t trying to break up his new relationship, so in the beginning we just talked, but he started to show an interest in seeing me.

There were flags right from the start. Even though he was dating this other gal, he suggested lunch, but when I called him to confirm, his girlfriend answered the phone! She said he told her he wasn’t interested in talking to me and had told me so (he had not!). Not wanting to get involved, I hung up and wrote him off. (Why was his girlfriend answering his phone?)

Four months later he called me to try to pick up where we left off. After first demanding an apology for his behavior, we spoke for four hours—during which time his girlfriend called. He spoke to her for 10 minutes and then called me back.

During the four months he had ended the relationship with the other woman (in part because she had answered his phone when I called) and so we eventually began dating. Within two months he had moved in with me and told me he loved me, and I him. I thought: what a romantic story! We were in love 21 years before and now we were in love again! I had never been married and he was the only man who had ever loved me. I felt I had finally found true love. A happy ending!

cheatingboyfriendWe lived together for three and a half years. I thought I would be marrying this guy. I did EVERYTHING for him. I handled all the house bills (he gave me his share…in the beginning), I did most of the housecleaning, I held him and comforted him when the court was chewing him up and spitting him out, I helped him find a new attorney when his old attorney sued him for remaining fees, I gave him wonderful gifts (a trip to New York!), I spent hours online searching for gifts he happened to mention, I encouraged him to be a better father, I spent time with his kids, helping them with their homework, finding things for us to all do together on the Sundays we had them…the list goes on and on! And yes, I lent him money and paid for things; I paid most of the living expenses on and off for 18 months when his business started to slip. But during the first year he had been very generous to me: he bought me diamonds and gave me money, paid for our dinners out, etc. But when I would ask him to pay me back, he got angry.

Stupid me, I kept paying for things. After all, they were the utility bills (in my name!)—I had to pay them. I just kept a running tab of what he owed me. But he kept refusing to pay me back. Even though I was losing respect for him because he wasn’t willing to do what he needed to do to bring in his share of the money, I didn’t want to walk out on him. I loved him and kept believing that eventually things would turn around and we would be happy again. He always made excuses for EVERYTHING. It started to really bother me that he wasn’t acting like a responsible adult! I felt if he loved me he would want to do whatever it took to make things right. All I ever asked of him was to do his share.

Just three short months ago his behavior started to change and I began to think he was cheating on me. Not wanting to believe that he was capable of such a thing, I confronted him, but he denied everything. Eventually, I felt I had to snoop inside of his work van (where he practically lived!) to find the truth and was shocked to find a few pieces of incriminating evidence. I confronted him again, but he denied all. About a month later, he broke up with me—in a note!—and I was devastated.

We both moved out of the apartment, went our separate ways, and I didn’t speak to him for one month. Then, I saw him again and we spent the night together. By this time I had moved out of state, but he began to call me again and I thought that perhaps we could salvage what we once had, if only he would come clean. He would tell me on the phone that he still loved me.

The next day I found out, from a very reliable source close to him, that he had indeed been cheating on me!  (I also found out that he had been set up on a new email; I had canceled the one I had set up for him when we broke up. I figured his new girlfriend had set it up for him because he is computer illiterate.)

I sent him a scathing email asking him how he could do it to me when he had been telling me he loved me for the past 3.5 years. I asked him if he had told her we had slept together just a week before.

He must have figured out that I had spoken to these reliable sources so his secret was out. He called and threatened to slap me with a restraining order if I spoke to anyone he knew again!

An hour later, his new girlfriend called me. She had read my email (he had her check his email because he didn’t know how to do it!) and demanded that he give her my number. She had indeed set him up with his new email account and saw the email I had sent him at the end, mentioning how we had spent the night together.

We had a 3-hour conversation and that’s when the stuff hit the fan.  He had not only lied to me and cheated on me, but had lied to her about us as well. He told her he had broken up with me many months before and had even gone as far as to make up a fictional character: a woman he was just roommates with. He gave her a name and an occupation and some cockamamie story about why his new girlfriend couldn’t come into his house to see him (yeah, because she would see the pictures of him and me—still living together!).

During our conversation, I also found out that he had lied to me way back at the beginning when he told me she had answered his phone. She told me he was right there and asked her to answer the phone! He told her I was stalking him and he didn’t want to talk to me. Apparently, he had also slept with another woman the day before he and I went out in the beginning.

Eventually, all his lies were revealed—to his ex, to me, to his new girlfriend. To say that I was in shock and in pain is an understatement. I trusted this man and loved him with all my heart. I was there for him every step of the way. Not to say I was perfect, mind you. He had some valid complaints about our relationship, but there is NO excuse for cheating and lying!