The American Presidential Campaign: Let the Brawl Begin

Tonight the Donkeys begin their convention in Colorado and next week the Elephants waddle into Minneapolis for four days of love and good cheer.

After the niceties are over, an eight-week brawl will commence and this one promises to be messier than what has come before.

Now as you know if you’re over the age of 12, every presidential election starts on a reasonably high note. ObamaAndMcCainPromises to fight a clean and respectful campaign are proffered and received. But you also know that it never lasts. I liken it to delivering a case of Jack Daniels to a house full of Hell’s Angels bikers. A little note attached to the booze says, “Drink up, but remember to respect the rights of your fellow bikers.”

Give it two or three hours, drive by the house, and I’m going to wager that the scene is going to be pretty ugly. You might even here a shot or two. Half of the fights going on will be over the question of who started the fight and the other half will be just swinging it out for the fun of having one helluva fight.

The McCain gang’s strategy has been pretty apparent over the last month, knock the pretty boy off his pedestal. And now the Obama people are starting to reach for the long knives. Their opening message will be that McCain is badly out of touch with the average American with his heiress wife, his $500 shoes, and his seven homes.

I have to admit when McCain suggested to a reporter that he would have to get his staff to respond to the question of, “How many homes do you own?” that’s like pinning a “Kick Me” sign to the back of your pants.

Of course Obama doesn’t have to make any huge gaffs ala McCain; just being half black and having the middle name of Hussein is a pretty big target to begin with. No one is going to come out and say that, they’ll just pound away through their network about Obama being a Muslim, read black, his being an elitist, read uppity.

Oh its going to be a mud fight the likes of which we haven’t seen in quite awhile. McCain has the Keating Five, and Obama has his shady Chicago real estate guy. Cindy has her pill popping past and her big spending ways, and Michelle has her fiery spirit and her radical, terrorist fist bumping ways.

The manure is sure to hit the fan. As for those issues that hit every single woman in her Pucci knockoff purse—the economy, healthcare, global warming, education, and that dust-up in Iraq that has radically changed so many lives—hey they can talk about that some other day. McCain is too busy channeling Ronald Reagan, while Obama is channeling Ghandi, JKF, FDR, Adlai Stevenson, and Jackie Robinson.

Which seems given their mental acuity a fair balance: McCain has got one role to play, Obama has a minimum of five.

The bottom line is that Obama is 50% brighter than McCain, and McCain is 50% whiter than Obama.

Or what we like to call, “A level playing field.”

Who wins that match-up is anyone’s guess. What needs no guessing at all is this is going to be one ugly election season. By the time Thanksgiving comes around we’ll have one more thing to be thankful for, the longest presidential campaign in history will be over.

And probably just in time, New Year’s Day will be probably be the kick-off of “Decision 2012.”

Martin Brown

SMW Money Editor