The Duchess Digest: Could’a, Should’a, Would’a
There are many bad words in the English language. Many are four letters, others are negative, some are hateful and still others are cutting. But in my opinion there are two words that are particularly bad and dangerous. These two words are the lurking shadows waiting down a dark alley-way: you know the one your mother warned you not to walk down alone. They are also two of the most prevalent words in our daily vocabulary. They are “should” and its companion “shouldn’t.” These two words attempt to deny what is and create stories about what should be.
When we are fixated on what should or shouldn’t be happening we’re really putting up a road block to being present. We’re often transforming our state of mind from victor to victim. It’s probably true that your boyfriend should be paying more attention to you. It’s very possibly true that you should have gotten that promotion/client/account. You’re probably also correct in saying that you shouldn’t have had that fourth cupcake or maybe you shouldn’t have had so many cocktails last night.
But here’s the reality of it ladies: your boyfriend is not paying more attention to you.
You did not get the promotion/client/account. You did eat four cupcakes and you were out all night partying. There. I said it. All of those things are reality. So now that you know reality, instead of playing the victim to circumstance and what happened to you, why not be the victor to reality and choose what you’re going to do next!
Let’s take the examples above. Instead of sulking about your boyfriend you could a) find and participate in your own interests and activities, b) spend more time with your own friends, c) find a new boyfriend whose attention giving abilities match your attention needs, or d) all of the above. Now lets look at the shouldn’t scenario of the cupcakes. Instead of complaining about all the cupcakes you ate and how fat you feel you could a) have a fifth and keep complaining, b) go to the gym or take a walk c) swear off cupcakes forever. Look at all the fun and exciting options you have when you get rid of should and shouldn’t!
I am challenging you to one day of a “should” and “shouldn’t” free vocabulary and mindset. Try it for just one day and see if you can become a little more empowered in your own life. By looking at and accepting what is in your life right now, you can more actively and purposefully move in the direction you want. This isn’t to say abandon your goals and accept your current state of affairs as the only possibility for yourself. Rather this is to say set your sights high on whatever you want to achieve and then appreciate the journey it takes to get there and beyond (because when you reach your current goals there’s always going to be new ones). It’s accepting and making friends with what is, right now, while victoriously blazing forward towards all that can be for you and your life.
Jill Brown is a Los Angeles, California based Life Coach and Writer. She earned her Bachelors in Humanities and Sociology from USU and is a member of the National Association for Conflict Resolution and the Ladies Who Launch Network. She is the founder of “The Duchess Guide” a website dedicated to helping women become their most fabulous and unique selves. She is an avid outdoor enthusiast, traveler and health nut. When she isn’t writing or working on Duchess, Jill loves spending all her free time with her Labrador – Betty. For more on The Duchess Guide or Jill visit: www.theduchessguide.com