Q. Should I invite my new boyfriend to the holiday party at my new job? The invitation reads “and guest.”

A. You use the word “new” twice when asking your question, which suggests both your boyfriend and your job are very new.

So much depends on your comfort level, with your coworkers and the guy you’re seeing. It may also depend on the setting of the holiday party.

First, let’s address the coworker situation. What happens if you bring Joe to the holiday party and the two of you break up in a few months? Will you be comfortable if people at work ask you about Joe when he is no longer in your life?

Now, consider how Joe will fit in with your coworkers. This includes giving thought to Joe’s social skills. Sure, he may be the life of the party when you’re hanging with your friends, but do his antics have the potential to embarrass you in front of your new boss?

Finally, there’s the event itself. Where will it take place? Is it a casual get-together or a more formal affair? Will Joe be comfortable attending the party? Does he have clothes to wear? You may recall the “Sex and the City” episode where Miranda invites Steve to her office party but Steve doesn’t own a suitable suit. In case you’ve forgotten, the party and suit highlight lifestyle differences and they break up.

Uh oh. But of course this would never happen to you and Joe.

Romance aside, it sounds like you’re confused. And of course the catalyst for all this confusion is the invitation itself. If only it didn’t read, “and guest.”

For what it’s worth, this isn’t only a problem for single women. Many a woman in a committed relationship has lamented over having to bring her significant other to a work-related event.

Then why do employers open the door, literally, to this kind of situation? It’s a good question, and the only explanation is that companies have the best intentions. It’s about the holiday spirit and spreading the joy.

For holiday season 2011, a majority of employers have decided the parties they hold will include employees only, according to a survey conducted by global outplacement firm Challenger, Gray & Christmas. However, a full 35 percent of companies are doing what your new employer has done: expanding the guest list to include employees’ partners, significant others, and/or other family members.

In sharing survey results, Challenger, Gray & Christmas raises an interesting point about the holiday party: It’s a great opportunity to connect with your boss on a personal level.

Because you have a new boss, the opportunity is arguably greater. With this in mind, how does Joe fit in?

Finally, the ultimate test is to measure your stress level. Will having Joe in tow make you more or less comfortable at the party? If the answer is less comfortable, just say no to inviting to Joe.

© 2011 SingleMindedWomen.com All rights reserved. Permission to reprint this article must be obtained from SingleMindedWomen.com.

Paula Santonocito, a business journalist specializing in employment issues and author of more than 1,000 articles, has been awarded the Global Career Development Facilitator (GCDF) designation. She is career editor of SingleMindedWomen.com.

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The fun and friendly co-workers, the teammates who helped you meet deadlines and goals, the boss who encouraged and supported you—these are the people you remember.

Similarly, you also remember the office gossiper, the team member who never contributed anything except aggravation, and of course you’ll never forget the boss from hell.

Yet, what do you look for when you’re seeking a new job?

If you’re like most people, you’re focused on finding a position where you can use your skills and abilities and earn a competitive salary. Benefits likely factor in, as do perks. Advancement potential, which includes the opportunity to learn and grow, may also be high on your list.

While these things are important and should be part of your assessment experience (for you should be assessing a potential employer just as an employer assesses you), don’t forget to consider the people when you’re deciding whether to work at Company XYZ.

Did the staff members you meet seem friendly? Were they obviously into their jobs? Did you get a positive feeling when you interacted with everyone from the receptionist to the human resources representative to your would-be boss?

Or did you come away with concerns about workplace morale, employee work ethic, and possibly more?

As you may have already learned, Workplace Shangri-La doesn’t exist. However, if you’re getting bad vibes based on the people you met during the interview process you may want to pass on the job at Company XYZ.

In a conversation with SMW, Rob McGovern, founder and CEO of Jobfox, noted that people work an average of 10,000 days during the course of a lifetime.

That’s a lot of time spent with coworkers. With this in mind, when deciding whether to accept a new position—or, for that matter, stay at your current company—you’ll want to ask yourself, “What about the peeps?”

© 2011 SingleMindedWomen.com All rights reserved. Permission to reprint this article must be obtained from SingleMindedWomen.com.

Paula Santonocito, a business journalist specializing in employment issues and author of more than 1,000 articles, holds a Workforce Career Coach Facilitator (WCCF) certificate from Thomas Edison State College. She is career editor of SingleMindedWomen.com.

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Although a survey conducted by the Society for Human Resource Management (SHRM) finds approximately 25 percent of companies have some form of policy that prohibits or strongly discourages workplace dating, single women and others continue to view the workplace as a place to socialize—and socializing often leads to romance.

Cupid in the Cubes

Indeed, the 2011 Office Romance Survey from Vault.com, a leader in career intelligence, finds 59 percent of employees have engaged in an office romance, whether a long-term serious relationship, an ongoing but casual relationship or a random office hook-up—or more than one of these.

Not surprising, more men than women reported (or at least admitted to) participating in a random office hook-up, 23.3 percent men as opposed to 15.44 percent women.

Industry seems to factor into whether you’ll find love (or lust) in the workplace. The top industries for workplace romance, according to Vault’s survey, are publishing; advertising; marketing; real estate; and human resources, respectively. The five industries with the least lovin’ are graphic arts and design; fashion; agriculture and food; transportation and logistics; and accounting, respectively.

Past Experience

Survey respondents who said they had participated in an office romance were asked if it impacted their personal or professional relationships with other coworkers. Seventy (70) percent of respondents said no, but 30 percent said yes.

Several of the comments from “yes” respondents are worth noting:

-          “It created tension inside the office and jealousy.”

-          “People’s gossip took a toll on my managerial capacity. My subordinates were not as respectful as they were once they found out.”

-          “It is very difficult to keep yourself out of the gossip pool once rumors begin to spread.”

Vault also asked respondents if, based on past experience, they would participate in a workplace romance again. Sixty-three (63) percent of respondents said yes, while 37 percent said no. However, while 67.13 percent of men who had previously engaged in an office romance said they would do it again, only a little more than half of women, 55.7 percent, said they would again participate in an office romance.

Worst Case Scenario

As tempting as it may be, a workplace romance can prove disastrous to your career. Among people who engaged in an office romance, 18 percent responding to Vault’s survey said an office romance had caused them or the other person to leave the company; 7.73 percent of men left a company because of an office romance, while women left almost twice as often: 13.21 percent of the time. 

Consider several of the comments from women survey respondents who voluntarily left or were fired from their jobs because of a workplace romance:

-          “I was involved with a senior partner at a large law firm. He ended the relationship in a very cruel way, and I got to the point where I simply couldn’t stand to be anywhere near him.”

-          “My boyfriend and I got fired because of our relationship.”

-           “I am the woman, so of course I ended up leaving!”

Apparently, when it comes to your career, love does not conquer all.

© 2011 SingleMindedWomen.com All rights reserved. Permission to reprint this article must be obtained from SingleMindedWomen.com.

Paula Santonocito, GCDF is a business journalist specializing in employment issues and the author of more than 1,000 articles on a wide range of career and human resource topics. A certified career expert, she holds a Workforce Career Coach Facilitator (WCCF) certificate from Thomas Edison State College and has been awarded the Global Career Development Facilitator (GCDF) designation from the Center for Credentialing and Education (CCE). She is career editor of SingleMindedWomen.com.

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Q. I literally just started a new job yesterday. During the interview, the boss seemed very flirty. I thought it was strange but dismissed it. Well, now that I am working in close proximity with the guy it’s apparent he’s more than a little flirty. He has rubbed my shoulders, come up from behind me and kissed me on the back of the neck, and told me I smell lovely. I’ve responded by telling him he’s a big old flirt and that he’s making me uncomfortable. Does his behavior border on harassment? And if so, what should I do?

A. Border on harassment? This guy has crossed the border and is now in lawsuit territory. It is not okay for the boss to rub your shoulders or kiss your neck. Yikes and eww!

You should tell him in no uncertain terms that his behavior makes you uncomfortable and request that he stop. Although you were probably trying to keep your remarks low-key and friendly, the “big old flirt” comment may have given him the wrong impression. You need to be direct.

What happens if he continues?

You should repeat your request with a reminder that you’ve had this conversation before. At the same time, you should let him know you won’t tolerate his behavior and will have to make someone else aware of the situation if he doesn’t treat you with respect in the workplace.

Again, however, you must be clear. For guidelines on how to address the situation, check out “Preventing Sexual Harassment: A Fact Sheet for Employees,” a publication prepared by an attorney, available at the U.S. Department of Transportation website.

For information about filing a sexual harassment claim, visit the U.S. Equal Employment Opportunity Commission (EEOC) website.

Finally, it’s interesting that you picked up on a vibe from this guy during the interview but chose to ignore it. Maybe you told yourself you were imagining things or reading too much into friendly behavior. What would you have done differently if you had acknowledged the red flag?

Would you have taken the job, knowing you’d be working for Mr. Sleaze? Chances are the answer is no.

With this in mind, you may want to resume your job search. Even if you are effective in your efforts to establish boundaries, this does not seem like a work situation conducive to a happy, successful career. You deserve better.

© 2010 SingleMindedWomen.com All rights reserved. Permission to reprint this article must be obtained from SingleMindedWomen.com.

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Here are some tips from my book, “Playing the Lying Game,” that can help you get to the truth.

How to Spot a Lie

One sign of a possible lie is when there are contradictions in what someone says or does, such as when a co-worker tells you one thing about a project and later tells you something else. Another sign is if somebody’s behavior suddenly changes. For example, they suddenly start looking and dressing better, while claiming to have financial problems, or don’t call when they say they’re going to call as they have in the past.

Another clue is if someone is oddly nervous, if you ask them about something they did at a certain time or if they hesitate when you ask for a specific detail, such as what they did on a particular project. People have different ways of being nervous about things and can be naturally forgetful, but the clue is when they act differently from the way they usually act. For instance, if someone is unusually nervous or if someone who hasn’t been very talkative suddenly gives you a detailed explanation about something, such behavior could be a sign of lying, because it’s a change from how people usually are.

That change in behavior is what investigators look for when they conduct lie detector tests. They first use a series of questions to see how a person responds when they give honest answers to create a baseline; then they can tell when somebody’s lying from the change from the person’s baseline behavior.

Other Signs

You might also look for any recent changes in the person’s behavior or schedule, and consider if anything might provide an innocent explanation for the change or not. For example, if somebody is working on an outside project that could be a reason why they have less time to complete an assignment at work, but they don’t want to admit they are moonlighting. So if nothing else explains why that person is changing his or her behavior or if that person isn’t around as much or seems evasive, those may be signs of lying.

Wired World

If it seems as though you’re always under pressure, constantly juggling deadlines and responsibilities, and expected to respond immediately, there’s a reason.

The world of work isn’t what it once was. Not so long ago, you could leave your job—and leave your job. Today, “thanks” largely to technology, work is portable.

Because life now also allows for an almost constant connection, you get to remain in touch with your manager, coworkers, and associates during non-working hours. Sometimes this contact is in the form of emails, but increasingly people connect via social media.

Where you might have once said, “Have a good weekend, Joe, see you Monday,” you now get to see Joe all weekend long—on Facebook. There’s his face, his latest photos, and yes, his comments about how he’s working on the presentation that’s due next Friday…which makes you think you should probably put some time in this weekend, right?

And then it will be Monday, and work will be crazy as usual. Your workplace, like many, has fewer employees than it did two years ago, so now your department of six is responsible for a workload that used to be carried by 10 people.

Is it any wonder that, as Guilmartin says, people are “wired to snap”?

Consequences of the Pace

Snap in this context, however, doesn’t mean going bonkers (though arguably there’s greater opportunity for this reaction as well). Instead, Guilmartin refers to making snap decisions or snapping at each other.

Although biz blunders run the gamut, the missteps on SMW’s list have a unifying component: In one way or another, they either involve too little or too much.

Here, in no particular order, are common mistakes single women make when dealing with business associates.

Mixing too much pleasure with business. When you think of pleasure, romance immediately comes to mind—and, yes, that kind of pleasure can wreak havoc on your career.

But too much pleasure also applies to other situations, like an office party where, after too many drinks, a single woman might find herself on stage alongside the deejay, singing a sultry tune and slithering seductively.

Less obvious situations include off-site business luncheons or events where a single woman might be guilty of providing TMI (too much information) about her personal life.

Single women are more likely to cross the line from business to pleasure because, unlike their married coworkers, they don’t have a pal at home in whom they confide on a daily basis. Consciously or unconsciously, they sometimes view personal interaction as an opportunity to fill a void. Nevertheless, it’s important to remember that business is primarily about business.

This doesn’t mean you shouldn’t share details of your life or have fun. Recognizing and setting appropriate boundaries, however, are recommended.

Sending mixed or weak signals about career goals. Single women, while often extremely dedicated to their careers, may inadvertently appear ambivalent with regard to career goals.

Because they are accustomed to living their lives as a solo entity, they may not come across as team players or as partners in the business to which they contribute.

It is essential to articulate your career objectives and show dedication to the company. Only by doing both will you get ahead.

Appearing unsettled simply because they’re single. The outdated stereotype of a single woman, particularly a younger single woman, is one of a person in a transitional phase: She is biding her time until she finds a husband, gets married, and has children; she hasn’t yet “settled down.”

Good Friends, Great Times

In a perfect world, you would love your job. The daily tasks would be inspiring, with opportunity for growth and advancement, and everyone at work would want the best for you. Your colleagues wouldn’t only be coworkers; they would be comrades who support your career.

In this utopian workplace, your buddies are there for you, through thick and thin, as the saying goes. This means in a competitive, cutthroat environment, where every dollar counts and employers weigh performance in the context of potential staff reductions, your pals would have your back.

Got a problem with your boss? Don’t worry: Your peeps have wisdom to impart that will move you from the hot seat to a position where you’re cool as a cucumber—in a flash. Need time off but have no vacation time left? Your friends have a terrific solution, one the company will surely embrace.

If only.

The sad reality is that, while you may work with some people you genuinely call friends, few of these folks will watch out for your career the way they would their own.

Before you lament the loss of your imaginary posse, remember, this is the real world. Sue in accounting has three kids and a mortgage to pay, Bill in the tech department is in the throes of a divorce, and Samantha, well, she’s sweet, but face it, she doesn’t have a clue.

Does this mean you don’t have any real friends at work? Not necessarily. What it does mean is that you should be selective about your friends at work.

And being selective doesn’t mean you shouldn’t be friendly with your coworkers. But choosing what to share and with whom, well, that’s another matter.

Sample Scenarios

How do you decide where to draw the line?

Consider this possible situation. You’re one of two candidates for a big promotion. As life would have it, your mother who lives out of state requires emergency heart surgery and you have to take time off to be there.

Workplace politics can be an issue for both women and men. Yet women sometimes have more difficulty dealing with this kind of situation than their male coworkers. And single women can become especially frustrated by workplace interaction that seems to require altering their approach.

Playing the Game

If you wanted to be a politician, you would have run for office, right? More often than not, this is a woman’s attitude when she gets caught in a political situation at work.

Why do men seem to have an easier time of it in this area?

Where a man realizes he is involved in a game and makes his moves accordingly, a woman tends toward being genuine and seeks to resolve work issues in other ways.

Of course this is a generalization. Be that as it may, it’s a generalization for a reason. Although there are women who play office politics very well, the idea that they have to play these kinds of games at work makes a lot of women uncomfortable.

Talk to women and they say such behavior feels false and it makes them feel dishonest. When they engage in office politics, they believe they are not being true to others or themselves. In addition, there are sometimes ethical issues associated with political situations at work and women worry about crossing the line.

If this weren’t enough, where married women tend to vent about work matters to their husbands and get the game perspective from the guys, single women often have to figure out on their own how and when they should play offense and defense.

Look Before You Leap

So, how can you be true to yourself and still navigate what feels less like a game and more like a minefield?

Start by tapping into one of your strengths: the power of observation.

Although you may think you have to react immediately to a political situation at work, the truth is very few situations demand an on-the-spot response. Instead of shooting from the hip, step back and assess the situation.

Then, once you have figured out what is really going on, consider your options.

These options include participating in the game, remaining involved in the situation albeit at a distance or taking a stand against a situation you find unacceptable.

Deciding Factors

How do you know what the situation requires?

Q. I was recently laid off from my job at a graphic design firm where I had worked for 15 years. Business had been slow because of the economy, but I was not prepared for what happened. The owner called everyone into the conference room and said he was keeping three men on staff because they were “married breadwinners” and that the rest of us were being let go. This doesn’t seem fair to me. Is there anything I can do?

A. On the surface, your company owner’s behavior certainly seems discriminatory.

Although it’s never easy for a company to decide who should go and who should stay when layoffs are necessary, making the decision based on marital status and/or gender is not acceptable.

It is possible that another method of determining layoffs was used, such as job performance, but your company owner’s comment suggests otherwise.

So what can you do?

Begin by documenting what happened, noting the date and time of the meeting, who was present, and what was said. Also recap your work history, including any promotions, raises, and additional responsibilities you’ve been given, particularly in the recent past.

If you have copies of performance appraisals and/or written positive feedback from your boss, gather those documents as well. If the feedback was verbal, make notes.

Once you have all this information together, you’re ready to consult the experts regarding discrimination.

If your company employed at least 15 people, you may have grounds to file a federal claim with the U.S. Equal Employment Opportunity Commission (EEOC).

But even if your company had fewer than 15 employees, you might still be able to file a state claim. Each state’s requirements are different, but in New York State, where you live, a company only has to employ four people.

Federal and state claims get filed separately.

You may also want to consult an attorney. These kinds of lawsuits get filed on a regular basis, and the settlements can be substantial. Attorneys will often take cases for a percentage of the settlement amount, which means no upfront money is required.

As a woman, and a single woman at that, you may be reluctant to take on your former employer. You may still feel a sense of loyalty to the company. But, given the manner in which you were dismissed, your company has shown no respect for or loyalty to you.

What’s more, your former employer’s actions may be illegal.

The time has passed when a woman (or anyone, for that matter) has to put up with discrimination in the workplace. Your former employer may be against you because you’re female and single, but the law is on your side.

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