“My daughter wants to know if the Easter Bunny is real. I don’t want to lie, but I don’t want to spoil her fun.”

Parents confront the dilemma of how much ‘truth’ to divulge with questions at every stage of development: “Do you promise you’ll never die?”; “Did you drink smoke when you were a kid?”; “Am I fat?”

You might be surprised to learn that there are no clear-cut answers. Despite the fact that being truthful with your child is important, there are times when not being fully honest is a better idea.

There are two main reasons that honesty isn’t always the best policy. The first is that knowing the truth about a topic can sometimes be more emotionally harmful for a child than not knowing (ex: the real reason for divorce is due to serious infidelity). The second is that a child may not be emotionally ready to learn a truth (ex: particular holiday traditions like the one above).

There is no ‘right’ age at which a child should know the truth about any subject. In fact, when interviewing hundreds of parents for my book series, The Top 50 Questions Kids Ask, I discovered that some questions asked by five-year olds are asked by ten-year olds—each child is different, even in one family!

So, how do you know when to be honest and when to stretch the truth? I offer you a simple formula: Ask yourself the following two ‘test questions’. If your answer to both is ‘yes’, you should answer truthfully. If your answer to either one is ‘no’ or ‘I’m not sure’, I recommend stretching the truth, perhaps only temporarily until your child is older:

1. Will answering the question truthfully definitely be emotionally beneficial to your child?

2. Do you think your child really wants to know the true answer?

It may take time and sometimes consultation with a parenting psychologist or counselor to fully answer these two questions, but don’t feel compelled to respond to your child’s question until you are satisfied that you understand the impact of your response.

Here’s a question to illustrate:

Eight-year old Emily asked her mom, Lisa: “Am I fat?” Before responding, Lisa thought about the two test questions. She was concerned that Emily (who was overweight) would be very upset if she responded by simply saying “Yes, Emily, you are fat.” She also wasn’t sure that Emily was really ready to hear the truth. Yet, Lisa saw Emily’s question as an opportunity to begin a conversation about Emily’s weight, so she responded as follows:

“Emily, I’m glad you asked that question because it means you’re thinking about your health. Compared to some other kids your age you probably are a bit heavier. I bet if we start to make some changes as a family—to eat healthier and exercise—you will start feeling better about your body.”

Each time your child asks a challenging question—ask yourself the test questions. You will soon see that responding to your child in a way that meets his or her emotional needs is far more important than just giving a straight answer!

Dr. Susan Bartell is America’s #1 Family Psychologist. Her latest book is The Top 50 Questions That Kids Ask. You can learn more about her on her website at www.drsusanbartell.com

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Yet, I am no match for the Disney Princess Marketing Machine. How do I explain to my three-year-old that Ariel is just plain shallow—she gives up everything for a man she never even spoke to (in the real version by Hans Christian Andersen, she gives up her life)? Or that a fairy godmother and a prince are not going to come to her rescue and make everything alright? I want to point out that not one of these princesses has any friends—I mean real human friends—they all have dwarves and forest animals and inanimate objects that befriend her, but none of them has a peer friendship, another young girl to share secrets with and confide in.

I want to tell her that I fell in love with her father based on his sense of humor and intelligence, not his looks. I want to point out that 50% of marriages end in divorce, that woman tend to outlive their spouses and she needs to have an education, job skills and financial stability. I want her to see that my close girlfriends have become my support system since my husband died.

And that’s when I discovered the “fractured fairy tale”—a twist on traditional fairy tales. We are all pretty familiar with the re-telling of The Three Little Pigs from the wolf’s point of view, but there are also a large number of twists on the princess stories, too.

I hit the bookstore and purchased several for me to read to my daughter. Following is a brief summary of some of my favorites:

The Paper Bag Princess – A dragon burns down the princess’s castle and all her clothes, kidnapping the prince. The princess dons a paper bag and through her cleverness outwits the dragon and rescues the prince. The prince is disgusted by the way she looks and she is disgusted by his shallowness takes off on her own.

Princess Smartypants—This princess does not want to get married and live “happily ever after” despite her parents wishes. She comes up with a contest that is impossible for anyone to win in order to rid herself of her suitors. In the end, she gets her way and lives happily ever after with her pets.

The Princess Knight –In this story, the princess trained with her brothers to become a knight, but when she turns 16 her father decides to hold a tournament and the best knight in the land will win her hand in marriage. She disguises herself in order to compete, wins the tournament and chooses independence.

As a parent, do I need to ban Cinderella, Sleeping Beauty and the rest of the princesses? Honestly, I would like to, but the balance of more “traditional” princesses, the fractured fairy tale, and a mom who exudes the qualities of independence and strength, should be enough to combat the “Fairy Princess Syndrome”.

Sandi Duffy works as a freelance writer and educator. She hosts a blog entitled A Widow for One Year where she shares her journey as a recently widowed single mother of two young children.

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Wrong!

I soon discovered that single moms are not a hot commodity on the dating scene. The rules are different for us. You’re no longer evaluated on individual merits alone. Instead, you’re regarded as a “package deal.” Forget looks, personality and intelligence. They aren’t enough anymore. What matters now are how many kids you have, their ages, their personalities, your share of the marital debt and your relationship with the ex.

Can you say, “pariah?”

While I’m certainly not a dating expert, I’ve dated enough in the last five years to make this assertion: A good majority of available men don’t want to get involved with women who have young children – even if they have had all their shots. So when did these blessings in our lives become such a bad thing?

Friends in similar situations offered questionable advice. “Don’t tell a man you have children until you get to know each other better.” Excuse me? But isn’t being a mother a HUGE piece of the getting-to-know-me puzzle? What am I supposed to do, sneak my kids into a relationship like a Trojan Horse . . . surprise!

From the beginning, I’ve been up front about my “package deals” with every date. It’s an invaluable screening process. After all, I don’t want to become involved with someone who won’t embrace my children, anyway. So I cut to the chase immediately. It’s rather comical to see how long I hold a man’s interest after I’ve worked motherhood into the conversation. Three, two, one . . . he’s outta there! However, it works both ways. If I’m not interested, I’ll tell the pseudo-Don Juan I have six children (not two), rendering him paralyzed from the vocal chords down.

So what is it about single moms that spooks men? Have they bought into that myth that we’re all looking for some knight to rescue us from life’s abyss? Is it that our attention and loyalties are a bit divided, the “my-children-come-first” thing? Or maybe it’s our inability to be spontaneous. “I’m sorry. I’d like to meet you for an impromptu moonlight stroll on the beach, but I have to help my kids with homework and clip their toenails before bedtime.”

Perhaps Helen Hunt’s date said it best in “As Good As It Gets” (remember that scene?) after their kissing session was interrupted one too many times by her very ill son: “It’s just a little too much reality for one night.” And then he fled.

But after the disillusionment of entering the dating scene again, a funny thing happens. It becomes OK to be alone. More than OK. It strengthens who we are, as women, on our own two feet. Lately, I’ve turned my thinking around completely. It’s no longer, “Would this man like my kids?” But rather, “Is this man worthy of my children?”

I’m not looking for Mr. Right anymore. If he’s out there somewhere, he’s going to have to find me. I’ll be the one skipping through life with both my children, hand in hand . . . far, far away from life’s abyss.

Lynn Armitage is a single – and available — mother in Northern California, and loving every minute of it.

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Question:

Answer: When a child curses this much he does it for two reasons: first because he is copying his parents or older siblings (which you’ve indicated is the case), and second, because he is getting attention for cursing-even if it is negative attention. In fact, in most cases, it is both these issues. In order to successfully change his behavior, it is therefore important to address both issues.

The first is probably the most difficult to change-you (and older siblings) must stop cursing in front of him. If this is difficult for you, then all members of your family need to help each other by reminding each other not to curse, and stopping each other when you do. Explain the seriousness of the situation to siblings (that expulsion from school is a possibility).

You will also need to monitor the TV and movies your child watches with great care to ensure that it contains NO cursing (not even a little bit!) The best way to guarantee this is to pay strict attention to ratings-for both TV and movies—and not allow him to watch anything about a PG (or even better a G) rating.

In order to address the second issue, you will need to shift the type of attention he receives-both at home and in school. Explain to him that saying those specific curse words is not nice and he needs to stop. Talk to him about other words he can say instead-practice these often. At the same time, set up a behavior chart (both at home and in school) that rewards non-cursing behavior. For example, if he doesn’t curse all morning he gets a sticker, and another for not cursing in the afternoon. At the end of the week, if he has earned twelve of the fourteen stickers (two for each day, seven days a week), he can earn a small but meaningful prize (rent a video, stay up late, play with a friend). Picking the prize is important because it must be very meaningful to your child or it won’t motivate him.

If you eliminate the cursing for him to mimic; are consistent with the reward chart and you also frequently remind him about what words to use instead of cursing, the cursing behavior will stop quite quickly.

As you can see, helping your child to stop cursing depends in large part on your motivation. You need to stop cursing and you need to work at changing his behavior. A four-year old can’t do it alone. The sooner you get on board, the less likely your child will be to get kicked out of school.or ostracized from friends!

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So, here are my all-time favorite healthy snacks that are  under 100 calories:

1). Quaker Chewy 90 Calorie Peanut Butter Granola and Oatmeal Raisin Bars. At only 90 calories each, these chewy treats will satisfy any sweet craving, including yours.

2). One apple with ½ tablespoon of peanut butter. This just might be my all time favorite snack. If we’re on the go, I put a sliced apple and peanut butter in a seal plastic container and we’re off. Calories: only 95.

3). One Laughing Cow Original Creamy Swiss Wedge with 10 small pretzel sticks. This 90 calorie snack makes a perfect after school treat for your kids or a mid afternoon pick me up at work.

4). One Edy’s/Dreyer’s Strawberry Fruit Bar. Okay, so maybe this is not the best snack for the car, but this 80 calorie frozen treat will make your kids forget chocolate chip cookies ever existed. Well, almost.

5). Fruits and Veggies. Did you know that 1 cup of carrots and 1 cup of grapes has 52 and 62 calories? Go for broke, pack one cup of each and that’s two healthy servings of fruits and vegetables for the day.

Want to know how your favorite snacks stack up? Check out this free calorie counter we found.

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But as divorce rates continue to remain steady at 50% for first time marriages and even higher for second time marriages, we are seeing a new crop of single step-parents who are just as involved and influential in a child’s life as the biological parents. Sometimes even more so.

Carol Fronduto is one such mother. Ater her divorce, she found herself a single-stepmother who has raised her stepdaughter Kristina from the time she was ten. Today Kristina is nineteen and the bond they share as mother and daughter is just as strong as if they were related by blood. Here’s Carol’s moving story of how her unwavering love and devotion saved a child from abandonment.

SMW: How old was your step daughter when you first came into her life?

Kristina was ten when she moved in with me and her biodad. Her biomom immediately moved to another state, therefore allowing two things to happen: one – I automatically became the defacto ‘authoritative’ stepmom, and two – she didn’t get shuttled between two homes, allowing for a ‘normal’ life to ensue and roles were established immediately.

SMW: What were the circumstances that lead to your role as primary care giver for your stepdaughter Kristina?

As Kristina and I got closer, my relationship with her dad began to unravel. We had been married five years when his construction business began to fail. He began drinking, had an affair, and walked out the door one Monday after I returned from the hospital visiting a dying friend. Kristina decided she wanted to live with me. She was fifteen at the time, a sophomore in high school. We all agreed that this would be the least disruptive situation for Kristina. I relished it, as it gave me purpose.

SMW: Were her biological parents involved in the day to day decision making and her upbringing?

Kristina’s parents were dealing with their own personal problems, and were not involved at all in her life during this time. When Kristina was fifteen, I went to court to get ‘legal guardianship’, and Kristina even asked if I would adopt her.

SWM: Why did Kristina make the decision to live with you and not her biological father after your divorce?

In a word – need. She needed me and I wanted and need her.

SMW: What needs did you fill for Kristina that her biological parents could not?

I gave Kristina a sense of family, love, traditions, values, kindness, and taught her about faith, obligation and right and wrong. Neither of her parents were able to provide her with any of these ‘basic needs’.

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