If you know a soldier, you can give them the best valentine ever.  Let them know they are not forgotten and how much their sacrifice means.

This week I made my very first “care package” and I was overwhelmed with what a positive experience it turned out to be.  I learned of a co-worker at my hospital was deployed, and had NEVER received a box from home.  I had erroneously thought those people I know and work with, had loved ones sending them goodies on a regular basis.  As I thought about it, however, I realized not only can it be expensive to send packages, but those loved ones stateside are often doing their best just to keep the home fires burning.  (And to address the potential issue of cost of shipping you can save on expense as most military addresses qualify for the United States Post Office flat rate.)

If you are unsure of what to send, you can often e-mail them or ask their family members what items are requested.  It seems the top of most lists contain powdered drink mixes, beef jerky and toiletry items.  There are lots of websites to offer suggestions and packing hints.  If you do not know a soldier, you can click here to find men and women you would like to gift with your support.

For my care package I wanted to look for something unique that might be overlooked on some lists.  As I began my search, I walked around the store looking for items that I would miss if I was overseas serving our country.  I suddenly became aware that not only was I fortunate to be safe and secure in a stateside store,  but I was overwhelmed with gratitude for the very simple things in my life.  I suddenly felt appreciative that my clothes were clean and I was freshly showered.  As I shopped I tried to imagine what life would be like when a simple cup of coffee is considered a luxury.  Not a cappuccino or latte, but an item as simple as a plain cup of coffee makes the wish list of many soldiers.  These are the men and women that sat with us six months ago eating cheeseburgers and fries carefree at home, but now were elated to have a simple cup of coffee while facing unthinkable dangers abroad.

My children helped pack the boxes and made valentines for our heroes.  No matter your personal feelings about the country’s military engagements, this is an opportunity to teach our children about the heroes that make great sacrifices to keep us safe at home.  It was also an opportunity to talk about geography with my children and find our soldier’s location on the map.  We studied the region and the weather and imagined how he and his fellow heroes spend their days.

In an exercise I thought was about making a soldier feel appreciated, I learned lessons far beyond how to buy supplies and ship it to our servicemen. I learned how many aspects of my life are made up of luxuries that we all take for granted.  I learned how giving is truly better than receiving.  And I learned how blessed I am to have been born in a country with both freedom and safety.  It created a sense of peace within and the joy spread to my friends and co-workers who were now inspired  to send their own packages.

In all probability, your package will not arrive by Valentine’s Day, but that will make it no less special.  If you want to experience the great love of giving, and love of country a heart filled care package is the ultimate gift on Valentine’s Day or truly any day of the year!

_______________________________________

A board certified emergency physician, Jennifer Hanes, D.O., discovered that patients have greater success when they understand their bodies.  With that unique philosophy, she founded Empowered Medicine, PLLC, where knowledge is powerful medicine.  She empowers patients with her articles, motivational speeches and private consultations.  You can learn more at www.DrHanes.com.

So how does it happen?

How do you start out strong, full of goals for the new year, good ideas and great will-power, only to look back eleven months later and wonder what the hell happened? You can never pin point exactly where and how it went off track but you know it did. Was it that mini cream puff at Valentines Day? The dress for Easter you could’ve put the money into savings for instead? You birthday in August when you deserved to sleep in instead of work out that threw you off track?

The truth is all good intentions for the New Year go awry for one reason: consistency.

Consistency is the best word you can ever learn to practice and not just preach.

Because the reality of life is, how you do one thing is usually how you do everything. So if you can be consistent in one area of your life like finances, you can apply those same principles to diet and exercise or love and relationships.

Successful women in love, career, health and life are ALWAYS the women who are consistent.

Here are a few EASY tips to keep consistent this year and turn those goals into lifestyle habits.

1. Break big goals down into smaller actions. If losing weight is the goal, set your big goal, then break it down into smaller monthly goals. 20 lbs by May for summer would only be 4 lbs a month. That sounds a lot less daunting then 20 lbs!
2. Write them down. This is the BEST and most effective tip I give all my clients. Write down your goals. And then post them somewhere you see them every morning and night. This one tip alone will change my life. I goal set around my birthday year v. calendar year and I can tell you that I’ve already accomplished 19 of my 29 goals for my 29^th year and I have five months to go. It just happens naturally when you see them every day. Mine are framed on my desk and written on my calendar and my bookmark for my nightly reading. If it’s in your awareness, you’ll keep working on it.
3. Have a why. The why always propels the what. That’s why everyone says do what you love. Because it doesn’t feel like work. Writing is like that for me. I love it. And it’s the why to all the what that I do. Same thing with running my company Duchess. I love family, relationships and helping women find love. What I want for myself I want for others. So my work never feels like work because I get to collaborate with amazing women who want what I want (and I get to help them achieve it).
4. Be Specific. I would encourage you to get really specific about the goals you have so they’re more concrete and not just airy fairy. For instance, if being in a committed, loving relationship is something you want in ’11 – then write down specific goals like “hire a dating coach,” “sign-up for 2 online dating sites,” or “go on 2 dates a week for a month.” Action items that are measurable and specific.
5. Set Reminders. In addition to the daily review, I set reminders in my iPhone and calendar to pop up with alarms once every quarter to remind me of my goals. Take the time to sit down and space out reminders for each goal to pop up once every 3 to 4 months now, and then some Tuesday in April you’ll thank yourself for having reminded your future self of what you want to be working on.

Consistency is key! I know you can do it so take these tips and make them work for you.

If you’re looking for additional help you can always contact me for coaching rates or the latest workshops being offered at Duchess.

Happy New Year!

Jill Brown is a Los Angeles, California-based coach and writer. She earned her Bachelors in Humanities and Sociology from USU and is a member of the National Association for Conflict Resolution and the Ladies Who Launch Network. She is the founder of The Duchess Guide.com a website dedicated to helping women be their most fabulous selves to experience dating success. To check out her latest program for successful single women looking to enjoy dating and relationships, check out the “Six Weeks to Dating Success” e-book at: www.TheDuchessGuide.com/datingsuccess now.

SMW DUCHESS DIGEST INSPIRATION

Duchess Digest: Would Jane Austen Go After the One that got Away?

Duchess Digest: What Would Jane Austen Do?

Can’t you just hear Aunt Edna’s voice, and the “you pitiful thing” implication that goes with it? What do you say to that? Nothing. Seriously, explaining is pointless. You aren’t going to change her mind and convince her you’re truly happy with your life just as it is, and anything you say will likely come off as defensive. Instead, try this technique for coping with the holidays, which I call the 3Ds–Dodge, Distract and Detour.

The 3Ds: First of all, let’s get one thing really clear. Just because someone asks you a question doesn’t mean you have to answer it. And in the case of some people, the only reason they’re asking anyway is so they can gossip or brag about it later for their own benefit. Some people just can’t sleep if they aren’t the first with some juicy tidbit that others can ooh and ah over. Others elevate themselves by association in a “Leo DiCaprio touched my hand” sort of way. Whatever the case, don’t go there. Rather than playing the same old game, change the rules. It’s really easy once you get the hang of it, and in no time, Aunt Edna’s prejudicial prying can turn into a warm fuzzy moment just like this:

Aunt Edna: “Are you ever going to get married, dear?”

You: “Oh, aren’t you sweet to be thinking of me! That reminds me, when I was growing up, I absolutely loved your brownies. I always thought you made them just for me and I would love to get your recipe.”

Now, Aunt Edna may recognize that you have avoided her question, but she can’t gracefully go back to the dark side with you gushing over how wonderful she is. You dodged her question, distracted her with another topic and detoured everything to the positive side.

It took me a long time to realize that I didn’t have to spill my guts just because someone was curious–longer still to stop defending against the unspoken judgments that came with the nosy questions. I learned these things the hard way, of course, and I created a guide for how you don’t have to. Here are few tips adapted from The Hardline Self Help Handbook.

Happy List: Since you may not always have a brownie recipe memory on the tip of your tongue, do you homework and make what I call a Happy List. Write down names of people you might run into during the holidays then jot down an interest or story that can trigger a get-out-of-jail-free topic-turner for each. At the bottom of the list, make a few general positive conversations possibilities–no politics, religion, sex, etc.–that you can use for instant distracts with just about anyone. Make the list and keep it handy. Do it–you’ll be glad you did.

Get Over It: Now to the big one–your issues. Yes, you have them, we all do, and when we go home they’re ready and waiting to be ignited by old family dramas–don’t. Easy to say, but how do you not get sucked into the muck and find yourself saying and doing the same things you did the year before with same dismal outcomes? You have to do your mental laundry before you get there. Seriously. We all want the approval, validation and a sense of belonging from parents and family, but the fact is not all of us get it–and never will no matter what we do–so we have to get over it.

Do not for a second think that getting a PhD in astrophysics is going to get you the “atta girl” you want from people who are disappointed you didn’t join the family dog grooming business. Often–maybe always–the people we most want to get validation from are the least likely to ever give it to us–they simply can’t–and that’s a good thing. Because if they did, we might never be able to give it to ourselves–we’d simply keep chasing a brass ring we could never catch instead of finding fulfillment from our own choices.

So, before you go home for the holidays, do your homework and your mental laundry, make a Happy List and practice the 3Ds. When you’re confident, relaxed and happy about who you really are, it won’t matter what anyone else says or thinks about it. You’ll eliminate a ton of anxiety ahead of time and you’ll be able to go home without getting sucked under–you might even get through the holidays with a smile!

* * * *

Paula Renaye is a motivational speaker, certified professional coach and author of the multi-award-winning personal development guide, The Hardline Self Help Handbook–What Are You Willing to Do to Get What You Really Want?

A self-confessed former eggshell walker, emotional wreck and utter failure at keeping her life from falling apart, Paula uses her path out of despair as road map for others. For more tough love tips, visit her website at http://hardlineselfhelp.com.

More SingleMindedWomen.com Holiday Advice

Alone But Not Lonely For the Holidays

Single Moms and the Holiday Blues: Lifting Your Spirits

Holidays and Loneliness

It’s the point at which that last spoonful of Ben and Jerry’s on the coach went from stress-relief bliss to tummy ache and guilt. It’s that moment when you realize all your compromising has compromised you. It’s basically the tipping point between when too much of a good thing becomes bad.

I have learned that how you do one thing tends to be how you do everything. So often if one area of your life gets out of whack, it has ramifications in other seemingly unintended ways. For instance, ever notice how eating poorly and stopping exercise seem to happen simultaneously? Or emotional eating tends to coincide with a bunch of unnecessary do-dad charges on the credit card? Or a drastic haircut or styling changes seems to coincide with a break-up?

I think good and bad travel in pairs. That’s why it’s imperative to keep up your good habits and flex your will-power muscles when times are tough to get rid of bad habits. Maybe you can’t control the outcome of your job-search or your break-up, but you can control your discipline and take care of yourself.

Here are some Good Company replacements for your Bad Company habits that might help turn things around if times are challenging for you right now (or in the future).

• PROBLEM: Junk Food & His Twin, Lethargy
• Solution: You can grab this bull by the horns or the tail! I often think it’s better to choose one or the other and let that guide you to what your body wants. When you listen to your body – it’s an amazing compass. So instead of going on a diet and starting an exercise routine at the same time – I like to do one or the other, because the side-effect for me is always the two moving in tandem. For me, I can’t go to an hour of crazy intense dance class and come home and eat pizza. It just feels gross. Likewise I can’t eat cheese puffs and then go for a run. I find if I can have the self-control to implement one tactic, the other seems to fall in line.
• PROBLEM: Unfulfilling Job & Her Twin, Debt
• Solution: Ever notice how you can’t stop complaining about your job, but seem to spend more and get deeper into debt. Life is meant to be lived and it takes some funds to get out there and live sometimes, but this self-defeating cycle can be drastically turned around with some small actions and awareness. First step: stop complaining about your job. Period. If you have a job, that’s pretty awesome in and of itself in today’s unstable economy. And if you feel unfulfilled, then it’s up to you to find ways to combat that. Are you thinking about ways you can enhance your skills and value to your company by taking on more projects? Try being the person who shows up to the office full of ideas instead of impossibilities. Now, once you turn your work attitude around you can take note of the spending. The less you spend, the less you need that job if it really isn’t getting better for you. Have the discipline to set money aside and know that a penny saved is a penny you can rely on down the line if you want to move on to a new career, city or option. Money is freedom and freedom is choices. Be smart with your money and give yourself every opportunity and choice you can.
• PROBLEM: Stress & its Twin, Fighting
• Solution: I am not a person who handles stress terribly well. I can usually tell when I’m stressed because I will have a lot of disharmony in my home life. I don’t know why we tend to take our stress out on the ones closest to us, but if you find that you’re horribly annoyed by everything your spouse, children, roommate, boyfriend or family is doing – there’s a good chance it’s not them, but you. Hate to say it but fighting starts with us usually and often we seek out the flaws and problems in others closest to us when something isn’t right within ourselves. Sure, there are times when a fight is just a fight – but more often then not it stems from stress and other unhappiness that we are harboring inside. The first solution to this is to recognize when you’re stressed. You’ll know more now when you see some of the signs above showing up in your life. The next step is to take your own time out. Good self-care can often alleviate stress and the fights. If you are taking the time to exercise, meditate, eat healthy and practice other smart self-care options you’ll be much better prepared to see and feel the good in others.

There you have it! Good and bad travel in pairs – so when you see the signs of negative behaviors popping up in your life, take a moment to check what is really going on and use these simple solutions to combat them.

Jill Brown is a Los Angeles, California-based coach and writer. She earned her Bachelors in Humanities and Sociology from USU and is a member of the National Association for Conflict Resolution and the Ladies Who Launch Network. She is the founder of “The Duchess Guide” a website dedicated to helping women become their most fabulous selves.  Her ALL NEW Home Study Course SIX WEEKS TO DATING SUCCESS is six weeks of coaching at your own pace to improve all your relationships, especially dating and is available now. For more on The Duchess Guide or Jill visit: http://theduchessguide.com/

SMW DUCHESS DIGEST INSPIRATION

Duchess Digest: Cinderella Was A Liar!

Duchess Digest: Five Ways to Defuse Difficulty

Duchess Digest: I Am Not Carrie Bradshaw!

Economy got you down? Holidays approaching and your single (AGAIN?). I’ve got the quick fix cure to get you out of the doldrums…. Service!

Over the summer I was lucky enough to attend a charity luncheon that featured Ariana Huffington as the keynote speaker. The luncheon was for the Venice Family Clinic, a health care network which serves in-need families, individuals and the community here in SoCal. The fundraiser is part of a brown-bag lunch series put on by the clinic where you bring or buy your lunch, plus admission and hear great speakers. This particular luncheon happened to be on the crest of the most gorgeous hillside Villa overlooking the curving golden baked coastline and sparkling Pacific Ocean in Malibu.  If ever there was a setting for awe in California, this was certainly it.

However the setting was just the tip of the proverbial iceberg as the speaker was even more inspiring then the setting. Ariana Huffington and her sister, Agape, addressed the small collection of a hundred or so assembled ladies (and few token men) scattered around the white tables surrounding her.

I love Ariana.

A dear friend once gave me a book she wrote called “On Becoming Fearless” for my very first birthday out here in Los Angeles. It was a beautiful gift that touched my heart. If you don’t have it, you should pick it up. What I found particularly identifiable about Ariana was her candid confession of being madly in love with someone who ultimately (and self-admitted) wasn’t able to connect with her at the same level. I felt a kindred spirit to her for moving on, moving forward and yet not denying the loss there.

Hearing her speak on that afternoon, when the June Gloom layers of marine fog miraculously decided to break early and the sun shone brightly on the lawns, was even more touching then her book.

She spoke of love, of rest and of service. Ms. Huffington helped remind me of that her answer for her own bouts with ailments, the blues and her driving passion is service. When therapy fails or falls short with her loved ones, it was charity and service work she did and sent them out to do in order to recoup. And isn’t that just the way of it?

It’s easy to get so trapped in our own little environments. Poor me, I don’t make more money. Poor me, I’m not as pretty as some girls. Poor me, I wish I were thinner. Poor me, single again – will this EVER just be easy and work? Poor me, I’m in a relationship that isn’t perfect. The list goes on and on and on.

That is until you serve. When you serve others you start to shift. You see the ways you are blessed. Lucky me, I have a job. Lucky me, I didn’t end up with the wrong guy. Lucky me, I get to write and develop my talents. Lucky me, I have a pretty awesome partner. Lucky me, I’m beautiful because I don’t look like other girls. Lucky me, I’m healthy and strong.

I’ve been developing service projects in my own life to give myself the gift of being grateful. Isn’t it funny that my ultimate motivation ends up being selfish? I can’t help it. It makes me feel good to soften. To be kinder. To see how lucky I am that I have a great family. How lucky I am that unlike many of the elderly ladies and gentlemen I visit, I have mobility. What they wouldn’t give to go for walk with such ease and pizzaz that we do daily without notice. What a child in need of leadership and friendship wouldn’t give for a kind word, or help reading, or a friendship that you or I could offer!

I’m no Mother Theresa… far from it! But I’m lucky enough to have female leadership examples like Arianna and my own amazing mother, who help me to see that softening, love and service are the really gifts that we give ourselves.

Long may you reign in inspired service!

Jill Brown is a Los Angeles, California-based coach and writer. She earned her Bachelors in Humanities and Sociology from USU and is a member of the National Association for Conflict Resolution and the Ladies Who Launch Network. She is the founder of “The Duchess Guide” a website dedicated to helping women become their most fabulous selves.  Her ALL NEW Home Study Course SIX WEEKS TO DATING SUCCESS is six weeks of coaching at your own pace to improve all your relationships, especially dating and is available now. For more on The Duchess Guide or Jill visit: http://theduchessguide.com/

SMW DUCHESS DIGEST INSPIRATION

Duchess Digest: Cinderella Was A Liar!

Duchess Digest: Five Ways to Defuse Difficulty

Duchess Digest: I Am Not Carrie Bradshaw!

This isn’t about compromising who you are or what you want – but it is about noticing common themes that carry through location, occupation, person, relationship, etc. and the only theme that seems to keep them together is you. Ever notice how there will be that one lucky person you know and everything just seems to keep working out for them? It’s not a coincidence. They’re in sync with the good stuff and flowing with where life is taking them. Odds are good too they’ve paid a little attention along the way to how they’re getting in their own way.

Three Common Mistakes You can Test For Right Now:

• You keep having the same fight with all your girlfriends. Either you need entirely new girlfriends, or you may have a problem. I had reoccurring problems with a couple of girlfriends (one being my sister) to a point where I finally had to realize the issue was with me. I had always used the excuse of “that’s just not how I am” as my reason for not connecting deeper with my sis and some of the girls and I finally had to stop and evaluate. Guess What? I worked on improving my communication and frequency and things with my sister got really awesome. I don’t have my old excuse anymore and it turns out that a distant and protected person is not just “how I am.” I really love having close relationships with the people I love. Check in with any consistent feedback from multiple (I’d say 3 to 5 or more) sources. If you’re hearing the same thing this is a great opportunity for you to start working on that area of your character.

• You keep dating the same guy. What do three out of four of your last relationships have in common? Hopefully nothing! If you said more then a thing or two then guess what? You’re the guilty party here. You’re choosing to date the same kind of guy and/or you’re acting the same in every relationship. Time to get super clear about what you really want from a partner and start refusing to get into a relationship with anyone different then that. You’ll save yourself time and hopefully you’ll either stop failing at relationships, or you’ll fail forward. Since none of us are perfect my money’s on failing forward but you take your pick.There will probably only be one relationship in your life that “ends successfully” (if you consider marriage success). So why not broaden your definition? Are your relationships getting better each time? Is the quality of man you’re spending your time with only improving? Well then even if those relationships end I’d still consider them a success. If, however, they’re ending the same way with the same guy it just means you’re still in the non-aware washing cycle, spinning and spinning around with the same testing grounds. Improve YOU and how you get into and live within a love relationship and I guarantee the caliber of man in your life with improve too. You can’t look to the guy first to raise you up – sorry but you’re on your own to be awesome and accountable for you!

• You’re always broke or having money drama. Wasn’t it awesome in April when you got that huge tax return and paid off the balance on your credit card? Remember how you swore you were going to be smart and disciplined about your spending? How’s that going for you? Remember when you said you were going to be accountable for your monthly budget, set some money into savings and stop with the do-dads so you could get ahead? Maybe buy a house, invest or just relax in the current economy knowing you’d saved up six to eight months income? Oh, that’s not you? It should be. Stop playing Russian Roulette with your checking account, savings and credit cards. YOU are responsible for YOU. Say no to what isn’t in your budget, say yes to learning what a budget is and don’t be like Carrie Bradshaw who was so worried when her building went co-op about her vast shoe collection that she would “literally be the old woman who lived in her shoes.” It’s not cute ladies. It demeans us all and it belittles your position in life, with a partner and someday with your own daughters to live a legacy of stupid spending and frivolous shit. Look past the marketing and be smart with your money.

Those are my big three and as you can tell, I’m very passionate about them. Just like only you can prevent forest fires, only you can have the open mindedness to see where you’re falling short and take accountability for your life and future. Great things happen when you do a little self-assessment and start making positive changes.

Jill Brown is a Los Angeles, California-based coach and writer. She earned her Bachelors in Humanities and Sociology from USU and is a member of the National Association for Conflict Resolution and the Ladies Who Launch Network. She is the founder of “The Duchess Guide” a website dedicated to helping women become their most fabulous selves.  Her ALL NEW Home Study Course SIX WEEKS TO DATING SUCCESS is six weeks of coaching at your own pace to improve all your relationships, especially dating and is available now. For more on The Duchess Guide or Jill visit: http://theduchessguide.com/

SMW DUCHESS DIGEST INSPIRATION

Duchess Digest: Cinderella Was A Liar!

Duchess Digest: Five Ways to Defuse Difficulty

Duchess Digest: I Am Not Carrie Bradshaw!

Think of the people you most admire and respect and chances are they’re the ones who handle conflict, arguments, difficult people and situations with a clear head and a calm tongue – so what can we learn from them?

Here are a five things I’m working toward that may help you out too when you have to deal with difficulty in your life:

1. Don’t React. It is ALWAYS better to initiate rational action then to react to others aggression toward you. When you react you take a knee-jerk look often with little to no long-term perspective, at another. It’s hard in the heat of the moment to calculate the rationality of your emotional response. I’ve always found it’s better to try to collect your thoughts, usually sleep on it, and then initiate the kind of calm conversation you’d like to have versus an explosion of reaction to someone else’s initiated conversation.
2. When in Doubt, Pause. So lets say you have to react because there isn’t another option. Just because you have to react, and maybe can’t be the initiating party, doesn’t mean you have to react instantly. I’ve found that pausing is a VERY good idea. Whether it’s just a count of ten, a few minutes, or a couple days, it’s always a good idea to pause and consider your response and the other person.
3. Put your Ego on the shelf. Often times we don’t tell people what we should when it’s nice because we’re scared of getting hurt. But we all seem very keen to point out their character defaults and flaws at the drop of a hat to protect our egos. What’s that? You’re breaking up with me? Really I’m upset and don’t want you to but since you’re rejecting ME, I’m going to tell you that I think you suck and you were bad in bed. Not nice ladies. Better to exit with grace and kindness because at the end of the day, there’s a reason you spent so much time with this person. Odds are good you loved your odd goods and your ego is talking when you go on the defense with cutting comments that often leave unseen scars on the other person. Try to hold your tongue and table your ego. Unless it’s to say something nice and give the person the freedom to move on or take whatever action they need. People can be great people alone who don’t do well together (relationships, neighbors, in-laws or otherwise). If you break this rule, an apology is always a good idea to acknowledge you screwed up. Don’t do it expecting anything back or the situation to change – do it because it’s the right thing to do and you acted poorly.
4. Ask Questions. Remember that pause thing I was talking about earlier? One thing I HIGHLY recommend is asking questions in the pause. Not from the other person but from yourself. Questions like “What is my big goal here?” If you’re in a disagreement with a co-worker is your blow up and pressure matching pissing contest going to breed an environment of hostility and uncooperative partnership for the time ahead? Is that really what you want? Better to calm down, shelf your ego about the person’s attack and respond in a way that diffuses the difficulty as opposed to increasing it. Same thing with relationships? I’ve found I react and get angry, not taking the pause and not asking the questions, like “What is my goal here? Is it more important for me to be right or to be with my partner, who I love? Am I willing to lose this relationship because of this argument?” That one question could save a lot of arguments and break-ups right there. If you can put into perspective the argument at hand it will help you from being single a month later wondering what the hell happened and why you didn’t just take a moment to be nice instead of blow up and end things. Think about it!
5. Finally, consider the meaning of life . . .. LOVE and RESPONSIBILITY. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. I think the point and meaning of life is love, and I think with that comes great responsibility. Life is about love. Love for your career, love for your hobbies, love for where you live, your family, your self, your spouse and every other aspect of the life you’re creating. I think we’re all put here to figure our how to stop getting in our own damn way, creating our own drama and then blaming it for our own unhappiness. You’re supposed to love your life and everything in it. That’s the point of this life experience. But with that comes the responsibility of taking accountability for where you are. If you hate your job it’s your own damn fault. Focus on the things you love about it or get a new one but do something! If you have relationship drama then knock it off! Stop fighting and start telling your boyfriend or spouse why you love them, what you appreciate about them and stop focusing on what they can do for you. It’s your job to be happy. It is not their job to make you happy. Same thing with work, family, your mother, your bank account, etc. Take accountability and be responsible for where you are, wherever that is, because ultimately you’re the one that got you there. Learn to love; learn to be grateful – that’s the best responsibility in the world (and this comes from a woman still learning her own lesson).

Life is a splendid thing if you let it be. Don’t let difficult people stand in the way of your happiness. You can choose to be happy, kind and loving in every situation if you can develop that skill and set your ego aside. It takes practice, it takes work, I’m still learning every day. But I think it’s a practice worth doing because a life well lived is the meaning of life.

Jill Brown is a Los Angeles, California-based coach and writer. She earned her Bachelors in Humanities and Sociology from USU and is a member of the National Association for Conflict Resolution and the Ladies Who Launch Network. She is the founder of “The Duchess Guide” a website dedicated to helping women become their most fabulous selves for dating success.  For more on The Duchess Guide or Jill visit: http://theduchessguide.com/

SMW DUCHESS DIGEST INSPIRATION

Duchess Digest: Cinderella Was A Liar!

Duchess Digest: When Life Gives you Liz Lemons

Duchess Digest: I Am Not Carrie Bradshaw!

Here are a few more fun and creative ways to say thanks to your mom this year. Some may take a little more time, but I bet it’s nothing compared to the pain of labor she went through to bring you into this world (hint, hint, nudge, nudge).

• A day at the spa. Mom loves you, but there’s a good chance she’d like a little “me time” of her own without you. Book her a massage, facial or some other spa treatment and let her have a little pampering and R&R that’s just for her to enjoy.
• Mani/Pedi’s. If the spa is a little steep for your budget, how about booking a local mani/pedi for you and mom. You can talk, relax and reconnect – all while getting beautiful hands and feet. If this is even a little expensive for you, why not paint mom’s toes yourself? What a fun way to talk to her and show her you’re at her feet in thanks!
• Make her breakfast in bed. If you live close to your mom why not let her sleep in while you cook some breakfast? Cheaper then going out and she doesn’t have to get all dressed up or do the work. Make sure you clean up after too! Don’t saddle mommy dearest with the dishes!
• Go for a drive. I love Sunday drives on sunny days. If you live somewhere that the weather is permitting a nice Sunday drive, why not reconnect with mom by taking her for a spin, letting her be the passenger and even make a mom mix for the road with some of her favorite music. Better yet, drive to a park or beautiful overlook and pack some lunch. Then picnic and enjoy the view. Destination Unknown can mean a lot of fun!
• Operation Sanitation. Here’s a big one. Send mom out for something fun, like the mani/pedi or breakfast with one of the other siblings (so they get some one-on-one time) then clean the house for her. Nothing better then a spotless, beautiful surprise to come home to after breakfast on Sunday morning. Little gifts that don’t cost a lot but have a big impact may be the perfect fit for you mom this Mother’s Day.

If you live far away, flowers or a gift may be the best option for you due to travel limitations. If a well executed surprise visit isn’t in the cards for you, a thoughtful card is still meaningful if done right. No simple message of “thanks mom” share a favorite memory, attribute or character of her that you love and thank her for what she’s done to get you here. There’s no manual that comes with motherhood – so be sure to say thanks for the efforts your mom went through to get you here.

Above all, have fun, make it heartfelt and put some effort into it. More often then not it truly the thought that counts and the simplest genuine actions can mean more then anything to the special woman in your life. Happy Mother’s Day!

Jill Brown is a Los Angeles, California-based coach and writer. She is the founder of “The Duchess Guide” a website dedicated to helping women become their most fabulous selves for dating success.  For more on The Duchess Guide or Jill visit: http://theduchessguide.com/

SINGLE MINDED WOMEN  INSPIRATION

JOSIE BROWN: 5 Ways To Show Your Mother You Love Her!

MOTHER’S DAY GIFTS: Treat Mom to Luxury at the Four Seasons

Duchess Digest: I Am Not Carrie Bradshaw!

But now that I’m a woman and I’m starting to sadly realize I can’t realistically be a school teacher, Rocker, Dentist and paratrooper all in this lifetime (thank God for all my reincarnations to come!) of mine – so as a grown-up I need a new just-out-of-reach but still somehow attainable female role-model. Who will she be? These and other important questions were mulling around in my brain when I happened to have an internet outage that stopped my Apple TV instant NetFlix watching and was forced to rely on DVD’s on hand. Horror of horrors! But don’t worry, this is not a scary story – salvation was at hand and came in the form of . . . Sex and the City: The Movie!

Yes I put on the ultimate chick flick movie (the first, not the second, even I have limits and the second’s unwatchable) and basked in Carrie’s fairytale existence. She’s just real enough with her heartache over Big that I can relate to her, yet just perfect enough with her toned arms, career as a writer and seemingly bottomless spending account for clothing that she’s aspiring for me to reach. And that’s when it struck me: forget Barbie! I want to be Carrie! She’s the grown-up Barbie doll for me! Here are just a few of the things that are both preposterous and wonderfully realistic about Carrie’s character that I love:

• She never ever ever has to cook, go grocery shopping or stock her fridge.
• She never cleans.
• She uses the oven so infrequently she keeps Vogue in the stove.
• She can afford a Starbucks daily on her writer’s salary.
• She can afford to eat out every night in Manhattan with her girlfriends on her writer’s salary.
• Her girlfriend’s are awesome and support her success.
• She marries her dream guy.
• She can afford a penthouse with her dream guy in New York.
• She carries around bags of Monolos, Louboutins and Choos like it’s nothing. No big deal. Just fifteen thousand dollars worth of shoes this week – love that writer’s salary.
• She gets to have a photo shoot with Vogue.
• She gets to walk in a runway show in Fashion Week in NY (that one really excites me!).
• She falls in the fashion show and is still adorable.
• She stay miraculously toned and skinny yet never works out or starves herself.
• She gets to go to Cabo with her girls.
• She’s a columnist and a writer.
• She’s fabulous!

The saying goes, when I was a child I played as one, but now that I am a woman I have set aside childish things. I would argue, however, that a more accurate saying for this aspiring writer, Duchess and once-child, when I was a child I played with Barbie, but now that I am a woman I have set aside Barbie for Bradshaw. My days with my plastic dolls are over, but my fascination and love for the Bradshaw Barbie of my adulthood will always be in vogue.

Jill Brown is a Los Angeles, California-based coach and writer. She earned her Bachelors in Humanities and Sociology from USU and is a member of the National Association for Conflict Resolution and the Ladies Who Launch Network. She is the founder of “The Duchess Guide” a website dedicated to helping women become their most fabulous selves for dating success.  For more on The Duchess Guide or Jill visit: http://theduchessguide.com/

SMW DUCHESS DIGEST INSPIRATION

Duchess Digest: Cinderella Was A Liar!

Duchess Digest: When Life Gives you Liz Lemons

Duchess Digest: I Am Not Carrie Bradshaw!

According to a report that includes responses from about 2,000 girls in Franklin, Ohio and the six surrounding counties, a girl’s life today is filled with social pressures, including  dating, sex, body shape and bullying.

The study was released Wednesday by the Women’s Fund of Central Ohio. Results came from  interviews with 914 girls who have participated in the Ruling Our eXperiences program. Additional survey respondents were found through schools, Girl Scout troops, mentoring and after-school programs.

“The intensity of the responses surprised us,” said the study’s author, Lisa Hinkelman, who is the executive director of the Interprofessional Commission of Ohio at Ohio State University, a nonprofit that brings different professions together to work on social problems.

The most important factor of all: peer relationships. While they are coveted, they are also problematic, Hinkelman said.

The biggest issue of concern for both the fifth- through seventh-grade group and the eighth- through 12th-grade group:

Boys.

As far as priorities, younger girls named “friends, drama, puberty and school”, whereas their older female peers listed sex, drama, drugs and alcohol, pressure, friends and pregnancy worries.

That’s right, mothers: sex topped the list.

Of the 21 survey topics, friendships ranked within the top five for all grades. Dating was a top response for all but fifth-graders.

Cyberspace is an important topic for middle-school girls, while sex moves into the top five after ninth grade.

Though the sample isn’t statistically representative, the researchers looked for a response that was wide-reaching and diverse, Hinkelman said.

When social pressure is too much to handle, who did the respondents prefer to talk to? Two-thirds answered girls their age or older.

Adult women were the least-favorite option.

Another reason to sheath those claws, tiger mothers–and open your hearts and ears.

For more information about “One Girl: A Snapshot of Girls in Central Ohio” or about the Women’s Fund of Central Ohio, go to http://www.womensfundcentralohio.org/ or call 614-225-9926.

____________________________________________________

Josie Brown is SingleMindedWomen.com’s Relationships Channel Editor. Her most recent novel, Secret Lives of Husbands and Wives, is in bookstores everywhere.

Her next novel, The Baby Planner, will be in bookstores on April 5, 2011.