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Ask Dr. Susan Bartell: My Child’s Acting Out!
By Dr. Susan Bartell
Question: My second child is nearly 4 years old and has been acting out in an aggressive manner for the past several months. My husband and I recently separated and when we are together, it is often times explosive. While we try to keep our tempers in check around the kids (older son 10), there have been many instances where our kids were present when we’ve been fighting. I’m concerned that my boys (in particular my youngest son) is mimicking our bad behavior. If I can’t get his temper under control, he will not be admitted to preschool next month. What should I do? I’m afraid the damage has been done.
Answer: First, it is important for you to know that it is never too late to help a child, and certainly not when he is still only four-years old.It sounds like you’re right that your son is copying the angry behaviors of you and his father—kids almost always use their parents as their primary role models. In addition, I’m sure that the separation is causing emotional stress for your kids right now (even if it’s the right thing in the long run) and his acting-out behavior may also be his way of expressing his worry, anger and disappointment that his family is no longer together. I’d also like to add, that although you’re concerned about your younger child not getting into preschool, you should be just as concerned about your ten-year old. His observations of fighting and his concerns about your separation will take a significant emotional toll on him as well, even though you may not be facing an immediate crisis with him at this moment.
For all of the above reasons, it is important that you take immediate actions to make changes that will help your children.
1. It is critical that you and your husband stop fighting in front of them, including on the phone—even when they are asleep. The rule must be, if they are in the house, you need to be civil to each other. It is your and their father’s responsibility to control this behavior and keep your children’s best interests always at the top of your mind.
2. Don’t EVER bad mouth your child’s other parent. This can also lead to confusion, stress and an expression of angry, hostile behavior.
3. Talk openly to your child about the separation at an age-appropriate level, explaining what is happening, so that he doesn’t feel out of control. Assure him that you both love him.
4. Tell him that no matter what is going on, it is not okay to take out his angry feelings on other people. Explain that you and his dad are working on controlling your anger and that he needs to do so as well.
5. No matter what you’re going through, anger and tempers should not be tolerated. Consequences should be enforced so that your child understands that his behavior needs to change.
6. I’d strongly recommend that you seek professional support at this point. If his temper is bad enough that he is in jeopardy of not being admitted to preschool, you will benefit from seeing a child psychologist who will give you specific suggestions for how to effectively get his temper under control. Furthermore, I’m sure the school will be more likely to admit him if they know you’re seeking help.
More Expert Parenting Advice
7 Signs Your Child May Be a Bully
Ask Dr. Susan Bartell: help! My Kid’s a Bully
Teaching Responsibility: Rewards and Incentives
Dr. Susan Bartell is a nationally recognized child, teen and parenting psychologist and award-winning author. Her latest book is Dr. Susan’s Girls-Only Weight Loss Guide. You can learn more about Dr. Bartell at www.drsusanbartell.com (http://www NULL.drsusanbartell NULL.com). Have a question for Dr. Susan Bartell? Post it in the comments box below.
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Being a parent is the hardest job in the world. Being a single working mom is just mind-blowingly hard. Single working moms should be very proud of themselves!
I is so hard trying to read my daughter as it is. She isn’t acting out Angry. She is acting out with whining and tantrums. She even has her moments where she refuses to talk to her dad. She is 3 yrs old. She hasnt seen him for a yr now….his fault. The door has been open for him to come see the girls. Granted, I live in TX he is in GA. (I moved back home to my support system and family) But he has “planned” 5 different trips in the last yr to come see the girls…expecially when the baby was bonr in FEB. But instead of coming to see his kids, I was served with divorce papers 3 weeks before she was due. My oldest has gone from one thing to another with all of this. She went form wanting to talk to him, but he never called, so I called him for her. Then i decided I wasnt going to help him be a father, I did that the entire time we were together…he never spent any time with her/us when we were right there! Then she didn’t want to talk to him at all for a few months when he called. Then she went to being fine if he called or if he didn’t. (I always destract her with fun things so she wouldn’t notice he didn’t call) on her 3rd birthday he called her twice, both times she refused to talk to him, and said ” I don’t like my daddy”. I was shocked! I never talk bad about him, we never fight in front of her. ( we are over the phone anyways) She still says she doesn’t like him now, but she will talk to him sometimes when he calls.
I hate how he thinks he can be a parent and only be there or call when its good for him. Putting out daughters after his 19 yr old girlfriend and his stupid truck. Never changes, it was always everything else before me and the girls when we were together. I left him wheni was 4 months pregnant. He never asked about the baby either. Caused as much stress as possible during my pregnancy too.
I am happy I am a single mom, as stressful as it is. I will never put up with myself or my kids being treated the was my ex treated us. Its hard with out endless and packed scheldule. But I have my girls, and we are making it on our own just fine.