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Keep the Married Name or Change it?
By Lynn Armitage
I never really liked my maiden name: a German derivation I always had a hard time pronouncing. So when I got married (http://www NULL.singlemindedwomen NULL.com/relationships), I was secretly thrilled about ditching the old name and moving up in the alphabet to “A.” I like being first (who doesn’t?) and my married name allowed me to be numero uno in many alphabetic situations. Besides, “Armitage” has a nice ring to it.
So when the ex asked me to give his name back, it threw me. He got remarried not long ago and now there are two Mrs. Armitages (although I did, happily, drop the “Mrs.” part). I understand his point of view, truly I do. Through marriage, he has given his name to two different women. On paper, it looks like polygamy. And since I’m no longer married to him, why should I be allowed to keep his last name, right?
Well, it’s a bit more complicated than that. See, my name has been my identity for 19 years. As a writer, it’s also my established byline. After carrying around this legal appendage for so long, “Lynn” has grown quite attached to the name that follows it. Giving “Armitage” back would be like losing a limb. Or, like returning a wedding gift two decades later. It just wouldn’t be right.
But being the curious sort, I looked into it. Apparently, people change their names all the time. According to the Name Change Legal Center, there are 3 million name changes every year in this country. For under $200, you can do it yourself, without a lawyer. Simply go online and type in “name change kit” to access plenty of resources.
My children’s stepmother has decided to play a different name game altogether. She has asked them to call her “mom.” That just burned me. First, the new Mrs. Armitage wants to strip me of my last name. Then she wants to share a coveted title she’s never earned. OK, now she’s trespassing. Thankfully, my oldest daughter said, “I feel funny about that. It doesn’t sound right to call her ‘mom.’”
And that’s exactly it. The real reason I’ve decided to keep my married name is because it’s my children’s name, period. I’m their mother, nobody else. We share a bloodline, living space and an impenetrable bond. It’s only right we share the same last name. Besides, it would be too confusing to have different last names – on paper, in school, in social situations. I don’t want them having to explain our divorce the rest of their lives.
So Armitage it is, and Armitage it will stay. And while anyone can call me “Lynn” if they like, there are only two people in the whole world who can call me, and no one else, “mom.”
Writer and Blogger Lynn Armitage’s husband isn’t around anymore. But his last name is.
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Other SMW Articles on Divorce and Single Moms
Co-Parenting: Advice if You and Your Ex Are Not on Speaking Terms
Divorced and Depressed About Dating
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OHHHH, this burns me! How DARE he ask you to change your name? I could use lots and LOTS of expletives here! ARGGGHHH! And for her to ask to be called MOM. It’s all about their fragile ego — screw them! ;-P
I was eager to change my maiden name for a similar reason. My last name is a common male first name, and my first name is common last name. People were constantly flipping them around and assuming I was a boy. Drove me nuts, so I was eager to change it.
But I was more eager to change it back after my divorce. My married name felt to me like the name of an “alternate” version of me; the version of me who had fallen in love with and married a man that I no longer wanted to be around; the version of me who had compromised, and compromised, and compromised so much in an effort to make a bad marriage better, that I didn’t recognize myself anymore. I didn’t want to be that version anymore, I wanted to be *me* again. Reclaiming my given name felt therapeutic, and represented a step back to myself.
We do have a son together, who has his father’s last name, but sharing a name with my children isn’t that important to me. I grew up with a different last name than my mom, and remarriages filled my house with siblings with different last names as well. So I don’t have the same connection to sharing last names as some might. Plus, I live in a part of the world where it’s common for women to keep their maiden names while married, so there are a lot of multi-name families that have nothing to do with divorce.