But what does having it all really mean? I heard a very interesting idea on this age old highly subjective phrase from a very unlikely source; Big Love. In a recent episode of this HBO award winning series, Margene, the youngest of the main character’s three plural wives is addressing a group at her Toastmasters meeting. And she opens by sayin to the group that for centuries, really since the dawn of modern civilization, men have had careers, money, education, spouses, a family and a home but that is never referred to as anything but normal. Yet, if women want family, a spouse and a home but also want to pursue a career, they’re told “you can’t have it all.” Margene argues that maybe it’s time we step up and change the idea of having it all to just a life of equality with the same want and expectations our male counter parts have enjoyed for so long.

It got the wheels in my head turning as I reconsidered the issue of “all.” I think about that a lot as I navigate my own life and as I try to lend guidance to my readers, clients and friends. And I came to a few conclusions of my own about the life and our quest for the holy all.

Balance: The greatest way you can have it all is to have balance. A well balanced life is a blissful one. Knowing how to carve out and protect your time for career and family, as well as spirit and self, are all equally crucial. Whether you call it “all” or not; balance is the number one name of the game.

Community: Margine contended that the only way she was able to balance career, family and spouse was through a community of women. Can I get an AMEN?! Community through church, organizations, our extended family and friends is absolutely essential! No woman is an island. And we especially as women need to build each other up and unconditionally support, love and encourage each other. I have my own mastermind group of women for this exact purpose. And I’m sure when I’m married with kids I will have a new amazing community of women. Community is key and women are essential! And that means giving to a community of women as well as receiving (see tip number one on balance).

Define: Here is a little rhyme for you to think about, in order to shine I need to define! Yes, it’s true. You can not live someone else’s definition of having it all and be satisfied. You need to take the time to sit down and clearly write out what your “all” is. Start with major categories like those I listed above (self, spirit, relationship, career and health) and expand on them. Even if you start with five bullet points underneath that describe you’re specific ideal “all.” You need a map to know where you’re headed and even more importantly you’ll need guide posts along the way to map your progress, keep you on track and help inspire you to keep moving. Make sure you know what your all is so you will be able to achieve it!

Time: Consider along the road to the mythical all that timing is everything. Sometimes having it all will be over periods in your life sequentially, versus an exact moment in your life consecutively. In whatever form all comes, balance is the key to having the most of it. So be sure to consider timing and manage your time well.

Concessions: While you don’t have to give up your all, you may have to tweak it along the way. Maybe in order for you to go after your dream you will have to map out a short term situation of your spouse staying home with the kids. Or vice versa. Or maybe to live your dream of all you’ll have to work a little harder then your peers and make some concessions on a little sleep, fun, or going out for a while. Again, life is about balance. If you can balance being flexible without breaking – you shall have your reward! A well lived life of purpose, joy and having it all.

–Jill Brown

Jill Brown is a Los Angeles, California-based life coach and writer. She earned her Bachelors in Humanities and Sociology from USU and is a member of the National Association for Conflict Resolution and the Ladies Who Launch Network. She is the founder of “The Duchess Guide” a website dedicated to helping women become their most fabulous and unique selves. She is an avid outdoor enthusiast, traveler and health nut. When she isn’t writing or working on Duchess, Jill loves spending all her free time with her Labrador – Betty. For more on The Duchess Guide or Jill visit: www.theduchessequation.com

SMW DUCHESS DIGEST INSPIRATION

Duchess Digest: Failure Is Never Final

Duchess Digest: Yes, You Can!

Duchess Digest: Breaking Bad

Other times the sky is cloudy, the rain is falling, you’re going to bed alone for the sixteenth straight night in a row and your phone isn’t ringing on a Friday night; which feels less than awesome. You seem to notice the bills piling up on the kitchen table, the pay cuts going on at
work, the sleep loss of your nights and the inches adding up around your hips.

What oh what is a girl to do?

We all face times when we feel we are capable of rising to adversity and seeing the silver lining and usually in equal (or lesser) measure those times when we wonder if we can go on. When will you break through? When will your savings balance be greater than your credit card balance? When is that sun shining day of an easy, beautiful vacation going to arrive?

You have read every book, written down all things you feel grateful for and done your honest best to do right by others. So when is it your turn?

I understand! Believe me. So this week I want to share with you a few darkest hour stories of ordinary folks, just like you, who were wondering when their time would come before they artistically, financially and spiritually BROKE FREE!

The only advice I can give you is to keep seeing the good, keep on keeping on and remember what Churchill said, “If you are going through hell; keep going.”

1)  J.K. Rowling. In December of 1990, Rowling’s mother died, and she moved to Porto, Portugal. Soon after she got married, but then separated in 1993 and she moved herself and her daughter to Edinburgh, Scotland. Rowling was diagnosed with clinical depression and was unemployed and living on welfare. She had already done some work on her famous fiction; but during this time was able to finish the book and get it published. Today, J.K. Rowling is worth about $1.1 billion and has sold over 400 million books. Honestly, if a single-mom on welfare diagnosed with depression can keep carrying on – you can too; I’m certain of it!

2) Andrew Carnegie. Okay, I snuck a boy into the line-up but Carnegie led an amazing (and at the end, incredibly philanthropic) life. Born into poverty in Scotland, his father was a hand loom weaver, but once the industrial revolution began his father was out of work as his skills were now made obsolete (don’t ever let a recession get you down!). The family
was struggling to make ends meet, so they decided to move to America. At thirteen he began a twelve-hour per day, six-day a week job at a cotton mill to help his family. Because of his great work ethic, he was eventually promoted to a telegraph messenger and caught the eye of someone from the Pennsylvania Railroad Company, who offered him a job. He soon started investing in railroad companies, and then hit the jackpot by investing in the steel industry. His investments would allow him to have his own steel company, which he sold in 1901 for 480 million dollars. Yes, you read that correct; 480 million. That’s 10.3 billion dollars (based on conversion in 2003). Amazing what you can do with a little hard work!

3) Oprah. We all know her, we all love her and one of the reasons why is this modern day Midas has allowed us all to hope and believe in the American dream! Not just her money, but her spirit, her purpose, her charitable work and her power. Oprah’s rag to riches story is probably one that you have heard or know about fairly well. Oprah was born to unwed
teenage parents in Mississippi. She was raised by her grandmother in love but extreme poverty. When Oprah turned six she relocated to the city of Milwaukee to live with her mother. Oprah became rebellious and ran away from home, so her mother sent her to live with her father in Tennessee. She learned work ethic and worker hard to go from a radio host to a news anchor to a television host and the beloved maverick and maven we know and
love today! What Oprah knew for sure is that she was could make a difference; you can know, live and be the difference in your own life too!

–Jill Brown

Jill Brown is a Los Angeles, California-based life coach and writer. She earned her Bachelors in Humanities and Sociology from USU and is a member of the National Association for Conflict Resolution and the Ladies Who Launch Network. She is the founder of “The Duchess Guide” a website dedicated to helping women become their most fabulous and unique selves. She is an avid outdoor enthusiast, traveler and health nut. When she isn’t writing or working on Duchess, Jill loves spending all her free time with her Labrador – Betty. For more on The Duchess Guide or Jill visit: www.theduchessguide.com

SMW DUCHESS DIGEST INSPIRATION

Duchess Digest: Failure Is Never Final

Duchess Digest: Yes, You Can!

Duchess Digest: Breaking Bad

So maybe it is true, that when it rains, it pours. And for me, this will literally be true when I head out for the rainy, foggy streets of London. Actually, to be totally honest I will be heading up to the Cotswolds for most of my visit since that is where my friends live, but rainy, chilly England in any case.

As I am about to make my journey across the Atlantic I am wondering what our sisters in England have in common with us. Are they looking for love, career and balance just like us? Do they dream of falling in love with an American the way I’ve always fantasized and swooned over the Brit blokes?

Do they like our cute American accents the way we so often enjoy most of the regional dialects of their country?

My guess is yes, at least to love and career – because I think most modern women are seeking the same things. Do those things exist? I hope so. Can a long distance relationship work across coasts or is it destined to disintegrate? I wasn’t able to successfully “mind the gap” of about three miles from Beverly Hills to Westwood in my last relationship to make it
work, so what kind of nerve do I have thinking something that crosses the entire land mass of America and the Atlantic Ocean will survive?

Is love worth the risk? I’ve always believed yes. But at the same time I’m terrified after my last experience with falling head over heels in love. As they sing in Flight of the Concords, “a kiss is not a contract,” so putting expectations on something new is a sure way to head for disappointment; fast. And I destroyed and suffocated my last love under the weight of expectations that were made too fast and too furious. Yet it’s difficult to not feel hopeful about this long time friend turned love interest. I don’t even know how or when it really happened. It just sort of did somewhere in the last few weeks. At least we know each other and have spent time together over the years. Unlike any previous dating experience, this man is no stranger to me. And people always say your best friends make the best relationships because it’s based on something real. And oh my God does he make me laugh. Laugh and laugh and laugh. I don’t know the answers, is my honest answer for now. I’ll be finding out about the time you read this column.

All I know right now is that London is definitely calling.

–Jill Brown

Jill Brown is a Los Angeles, California-based life coach and writer. She earned her Bachelors in Humanities and Sociology from USU and is a member of the National Association for Conflict Resolution and the Ladies Who Launch Network. She is the founder of “The Duchess Guide” a website dedicated to helping women become their most fabulous and unique selves. She is an avid outdoor enthusiast, traveler and health nut. When she isn’t writing or working on Duchess, Jill loves spending all her free time with her Labrador – Betty. For more on The Duchess Guide or Jill visit: www.theduchessguide.com

OTHER SMW RELATIONSHIPS ARTICLES

15 Very Broad Hints that You’re Dating a Man Ho

Finding Mr. Right: It’s Mind Over Matter

Five Typical Myths about Mr. Right

Finding Mr. Right: His Bromance vs. Your Romance

When You Rebound for All The Wrong Reasons

Finding Mr. Right: Are You Ready for Commitment?

Should You Rebound to Your Ex? When the Answer is Yes–and When It’s No

Are you Dating a Relationship Terminator?

Is Your Relationship Stressed Out? 5 Tips on Chilling Out–with Him

Finding Mr. Right: When Moving In Together Works

Always a Bridesmaid? 5 Must-Do’s Before Your “I Do”

Finding Mr. Right: Will “Pink Viagra” Give Us Ladies a Lusty Libido?

THE BACHELOR’s Prince Charming Falls Off His Horse

Finding Mr. Right: When Rebounding Is All Wrong

Case in point; the ex. I always think it’s a great sign when two people who were very committed to each other at some point were able to end things amicably. It shows a lot of maturity and respect on both sides and to me is a demonstration of an actual “real” love, because each person handles the break-up honorably and kindly. But when things are broken off too amicably, you can have the hovering ex syndrome. You know, the ex that still calls, still hangs out often, still is a really good friend. Does that work? Will it ever work? While it’s good to end things on a respectful note, I think it’s usually more important to make sure and end them.

I’ve never been good at this.

And it’s come back to bite me in the rear more times than I can count. I try to end things so amicably that inevitably the ex ends up back in my life, be it months or even years later. And while it’s fine for a moment, I think it’s bad in the long-run. There seems to be something, at least in my particular case, with my exes that makes them usually not realize what we have until it’s over. I’m sure this isn’t unique to just me; but why is it that so many of these men are half in, half out until you’re finally so fed up that  you’re just completely out? Why are so many men infected with the “don’t know what you got till it’s gone” disease?

I’m sure this doesn’t apply to all of men; I’ve certainly had a few good examples in my own life and the lives of girlfriends, of great men who loved the one they were with when they were with them. But I feel many men seem to only realize they had a good thing going after it’s gone (okay ladies too, but I’m talking about our gentlemen counterparts in this article, and since it’s my article, I can do that!). Ultimately this usually means the person is gone for good, because the girl has moved on, met someone else, or has had enough time to realize, better to have loved and lost and now be single, then to go through that b.s. again with the same guy!

So I ask you ladies, married, single, dating or otherwise, why is it sometimes the hardest thing in relationships to know which bridges to cross and which bridges to burn?

–Jill Brown

Jill Brown is a Los Angeles, California-based life coach and writer. She earned her Bachelors in Humanities and Sociology from USU and is a member of the National Association for Conflict Resolution and the Ladies Who Launch Network. She is the founder of “The Duchess Guide” a website dedicated to helping women become their most fabulous and unique selves. She is an avid outdoor enthusiast, traveler and health nut. When she isn’t writing or working on Duchess, Jill loves spending all her free time with her Labrador – Betty. For more on The Duchess Guide or Jill visit: www.theduchessguide.com

OTHER SMW RELATIONSHIPS ARTICLES

15 Very Broad Hints that You’re Dating a Man Ho

Finding Mr. Right: It’s Mind Over Matter

Five Typical Myths about Mr. Right

Finding Mr. Right: His Bromance vs. Your Romance

When You Rebound for All The Wrong Reasons

Finding Mr. Right: Are You Ready for Commitment?

Should You Rebound to Your Ex? When the Answer is Yes–and When It’s No

Are you Dating a Relationship Terminator?

Is Your Relationship Stressed Out? 5 Tips on Chilling Out–with Him

Finding Mr. Right: When Moving In Together Works

Always a Bridesmaid? 5 Must-Do’s Before Your “I Do”

Finding Mr. Right: Will “Pink Viagra” Give Us Ladies a Lusty Libido?

THE BACHELOR’s Prince Charming Falls Off His Horse

Finding Mr. Right: When Rebounding Is All Wrong