If something truly important is bothering us, faking some form of cheeriness isn’t going to keep us from gnashing our teeth when another ornament falls and shatters, or when your son yanks a candy cane off your decorated tree –

And the tree tipples over, too.

In my novel, SECRET LIVES OF HUSBANDS AND WIVES, my heroine, Lyssa Harper, knows her husband, Ted, is angry at her because she refuses to drop her friendship with Harry, one of the neighborhood’s stay-at-home dads. She thinks his request is irrational, that he has no reason to be jealous . . .

And yet, it’s certainly flattering that he is upset.

But that shouldn’t get in the way of the Harpers’ annual holiday tree-cutting expedition, should it?

As you’ll read in this excerpt, of course it does . . .

Finding the perfect tree is the Douglas fir is the equivalent of taking down the great white whale. It must have a thick petticoat of branches rising from the base, its layers coquettishly shorter albeit in proportion all the way up to its needled crown. As if projecting his own fears of a thinning pate, Ted cannot tolerate bald spots between layers. I, on the other hand, abhor crooked bases. Between three rambunctious kiddies and a clumsy dog the size of a Shetland pony, our tree can’t have the posture of a tilt-n-whirl. The one thing we both agree on is that it must stand at least 13 feet tall, so that it is not dwarfed by the double height of our entryway: the place of honor.

The search for the tree is a highly charged competition. The winner is the first to be photographed with it. The photo is then mounted on the first page of this year’s Christmas photo album, validating a full year of bragging rights.

Tanner is old enough to carry the bowed safety saw, while Mickey drags the tall PVC pole that is marked a measuring stick. Every now and then he attempts to pole vault from one row to another. Olivia is charged with holding the twine that Ted will use to tie the tree to the sleigh he’ll use to haul the tree back to the cashier, who will ply our children with Christmas cookies, candy canes, and warmed cider while I peruse the wreaths on display. Eventually I’ll settle on three: one for the front gate, and two for our doublewide front door.

“Mommy, why not this one . . .or this one?” Olivia loses all sense of discretion when she’s within sniffing distance of gingerbread men.

“No, sweetie. That one is not tall enough, and the other is much too bare on the back side.”

“Hey, Mom! MOM! OVER HERE!” For this task, Mickey has always had a great sense of focus that consistently leads him to the right tree. When he was younger, it frustrated him to lose to his brother. Ted’s way of mitigating it was to lead our youngest son to a potential winning candidate. Now that Mickey’s developed a connoisseur’s eye, Ted no longer has to do that.

The tree Mickey has spotted for us has all the necessary criteria. Ted whistles for Tanner to trot on over with the saw, but Tanner tries for an end-run. “Wait, wait . . .what about this one over here? It’s hella taller . . .”

Ted looks down at his cell phone, for the time. “Nope, we’ve got to call it a day. Warriors and Lakers tonight, remember?”

“Wait . . . aren’t we going to decorate the tree when we get home?” Mickey’s look is incredulous. We all look up and over at Ted.

He knows he’s outnumbered. He smiles weakly. “Sure! Of course! It’s our tradition, right?”

As we head back to the cashier with our find, I give him a kiss on the cheek. He stops short in order to draw me to him and give me a real kiss, the kind that should melt away any lingering doubts about love and fidelity.

His doubts, not mine.
 

Are the holidays a happy time for you, or just more added stress to a life that seems already too flustered, too out of control?

If so, have you figured out why that’s the case?

I’d like to hear from you, be it ho ho ho, or boo hoo hoo,

—Josie

Secret Lives of Husbands and Wives
Simon & Schuster/Downtown Press (ISBN: 9781439173176)

Look for it in bookstores June 1, 2010. Or preorder it:

From Amazon

From Barnes & Noble

From Books a Million

From Borders

From Copperfield’s

From Your Local Independent Bookstore

From Powell’s

Instead we spill our guts.

I’ve always been a social animal. In the human jungle, gossip is the best bait, a tasty fodder that shows we’re in the know.

That we’re somebody, because we know everyone else’s business.

PEOPLE magazine has the highest circulation for a good reason: we are fascinated with others’ lives.

Lindsey and Britney are train wrecks which we all craned our necks over. The divorces of others (friends, exes, celebs) fascinate us. Is it because our own are so boring—or is it because it’s much easier to pass judgment on others than to critique ourselves and assess our own actions?

And yet, if we heard others were talking about us, we’d be mortified.

Magnifying mirrors make us wince. Every little wrinkle and pore is exposed. Is gossip a mirror into our souls? Is what we say of others really our fears about ourselves?

In my book SECRET LIVES OF HUSBANDS AND WIVES, Brooke, the best friend of my heroine, Lyssa, always has the scoop on everyone else in their tony community, Paradise Heights. Lyssa is just slightly annoyed by this . . .

But she puts up with it because she would much prefer to be on the receiving end of the gossip grapevine, as opposed to the topic of interest.

Wouldn’t we all?

What Brooke has to tell her is that the neighborhood’s “perfect couple” has just broken up. Both are enigmas: gorgeous, but aloof. Their children are adorable and popular . . .

But when the divorce gets ugly, the gossip gets even more vicious.

Needless to say, everyone suffers—including Lyssa, who has befriended the husband, Harry. He has put his career on pause and has become a stay-at-home dad in order to prove he deserves custody of the kids.

One of the best lines in Steel Magnolias belonged to Olympia Dukakis: “If you don’t have anything nice to say about anybody, come sit by me.”

That says it all: impress me with your knowledge. Titillate me. Scandalize me.

Even if it hurts someone. Even if it may not be true. Because that’s entertainment.

Have you ever been hurt by gossip? If so, I’m all ears. You can comment below.

Just between us girls,

—Josie

Josie Brown is SingleMindedWomen.com’s Relationship Channel editor. She is also the author of two novels: Impossibly Tongue-Tied, and True Hollywood Lies.

Secret Lives of Husbands and Wives Simon & Schuster/Pocket
(ISBN: 9781439173176)

Look for it in bookstores June 1, 2010

Impossibly Tongue Tied by SMW’s very own Josie Brown

Synopsis:  All over Hollywood, men are dialing O. Her steamy naughty talk fills them with lust and longing, and helps them perform like the studs they claim to be.

In truth, the industry’s favorite phone sex operator is Nina Harte, a struggling actress who has put her career on hold so that her husband, Nathan, can pursue his own dreams of stardom. When Nathan’s career takes off, so does he, leaving Nina and their four-year-old son, Jake, for his diva costar, Katerina McPherson. Then “Kat ‘n’ Nat” are crowned the media’s newest celebrity sweethearts, and Kat labels Nina an unfit mother in order to win custody of Jake, just so that she can have that highly-coveted celebrity accessory—an adorable child—sans any unsightly stretch marks.The one person who does care about Nina is Nathan’s agent, Sam Godwin. In fact, he’s in love with her. And because he has both a heart and a conscience, Sam feels guilty for having put Nat in Kat’s path in the first place….

So how will he feel when he finds out that Nina and O are one and the same?

Too Hot to Handle by Robin Kaye

Synopsis: He sure would love to have someone to take care of…

Dr. Mike Flynn’s single mom taught him early how to cook and clean, and there’s nothing like vacuuming or doing dishes to help a guy relax. Annabelle Ronaldi is an artist without a domestic bone in her body. Since her fiance’s death, she can’t paint, and life looks hopeless.

Until the day after her sister’s wedding, when she wakes up with Mike next to her in bed, and then she’s really beside herself – because the handsome stranger is a dead ringer for her dead fiance.

After their mind-blowing one night stand, Mike is sure this is the woman he wants to take care of forever, but she acts like she’s seen a ghost. While Mike sets to work wooing Annabelle, she sets to work sniffing out the truth of the convoluted family secret that turns everybody’s lives upside down.

Heartbreaker by Julie Garwood

Synopsis: FBI agent Nick Buchanan is about to take his first vacation in three years when he receives a phone call from his best friend and former college roommate, Father Tom Madden. Tom relates the horrifying tale of a confession that he heard from a killer seeking absolution for a gruesome crime he has yet to commit. Worse yet, the madman, who calls himself the Heartbreaker, confesses that his intended victim is Laurant Madden, Tom’s gorgeous younger sister. The Heartbreaker is crazy about Laurant–really, really crazy.

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