This past year, one of my good friends was faced with a tough dilemma: should she break up with her boyfriend? They had been together for well over a year, and he’s a great guy. However, it seemed like they were in a rut and constantly arguing. Not an easy decision.

She decided to try and stick it out, and now they are better than ever. While I am extremely happy for her, I am left wondering how one makes a judgement call like this.

To break up with him could mean ending something amazing and never getting it back. To stay with him could have meant dragging out an eventual break up. How do you know when something is worth fighting for?

–Maggie

Yesterday I took some family friends to the local skating rink. Ohhhhhhhh, the memories.

I was instantly taken back to grade school parties at the rink; the smell of stale popcorn and musty skates greeted me the moment I walked into the door. Skating parties were my first social dates. Girls would get dressed up, guys would tease, someone always left broken-hearted. Ah, the drama of adolescent dating.

In the midst of this, however, I couldn’t notice the change. Not in the rink itself, which probably hasn’t been painted since 1975, but in me. No longer was I swept up in that enthusiastic, awkward, confusing, exciting wave of first crushes. Mind you the crowd was all ten years younger than me, but even the skate rental guy I was flirting with, who used to be way too old, was suddenly way too young.

What happened to those days of youthful highs and lows? The endless optimism, the thrill at just holding someone’s hand? Has dating as adults made us forget the charm of when we first started?

–Maggie

I recently interviewed Dr. Michelle for Single Minded Women and all the ladies who want to know more about what she does, how she helps and to learn about the great new partnership she’s forged with VTech Communications and their “Stay Grounded” campaign.

I started by asking Dr. Michelle why she got into her particular field. “I wanted to help people get the best information possible for their health, relationships and well being,” she explained to me. “When I was earning my PhD at Yale, we were learning about how individuals cope with challenges and what keeps them motivated in a clinical and academic way – but I wanted to learn how to bridge that gap and provide real tools to the common person for solving problems and understanding relationships.”

“That sounds like it was likely the motivation behind your book, Ms: Typed, too?”

“Yes,” Dr. Michelle explained that she was going on TV shows and answering questions and finding out that often the questions were about fixing the other person in the relationship. “So,” she said, “I wanted to help these women realize that it’s better to choose the right kind of person to begin with than to start trying to make them different after you’re dating or in a relationship.” I couldn’t agree more with Dr. Michelle’s “start with self” approach to dating! Her book Ms. Typed, is about self-identifying the major “types” of dater/woman you are first and then she explains and provides specific advice and help based on your self identification. Start with where you are – then go out and find a partner who fits you (no more changing others!).

So I asked Dr. Michelle, “what is ‘Stay Grounded’ (staygrounded.com) and can you tell us a little more about it?” She explained that ‘Stay Grounded’ is really about getting people connected. In our increasingly social media and technology driven world, we may be connecting more often to more people, but it’s been shown in tests and studies that deeper communication fosters well being. And deeper communication comes through talking. VTech is starting the ‘Stay Grounded’ campaign to remind people that talking, conversations and meaningful conversations equate to happier people with more grounded relationships. I couldn’t agree with that more myself! I personally love my Twitter followers and Facebook friends but when it comes to deep conversations I’ll always call my sister, mom or best friend to talk through issues, joys and personal subjects.

As a special offer for Single Minded Women’s readers and in celebration of Dr. Michelle Callahan’s involvement with the ‘Stay Grounded’ website and campaign, VTech is offering a special giveaway of their LS6245 phone! Just leave us a comment below with your contact email or email me directly at jill@singlemindedwomen.com with the subject “Stay Grounded” and you’ll be entered to win. We’ll announce the winner in next week’s Duchess Digest column and one lucky Single Minded reader will get a new VTech LS6245 phone!

Enter to win and be sure to check out Dr. Michelle through the ‘Stay Grounded’ campaign or on her website, DrMichelle.com.

-Jill Brown

Jill Brown is a Los Angeles, California-based coach and writer. She earned her Bachelors in Humanities and Sociology from USU and is a member of the National Association for Conflict Resolution and the Ladies Who Launch Network. She is the founder of “The Duchess Guide” a website dedicated to helping women become their most fabulous selves for dating success.  For more on The Duchess Guide or Jill visit: http://theduchessguide.com/

SMW DUCHESS DIGEST INSPIRATION

Duchess Digest: Cinderella Was A Liar!

Duchess Digest: When Life Gives you Liz Lemons

Duchess Digest: I Am Not Carrie Bradshaw!

Having remained friends with so many guys I’ve dated, I feel like it’s harder to shed that attachment. I still care very much for some of them. If I continue to feel this way, but proceed to date a guy I really care about, am I emotionally cheating on him?

Relationships have an ambiguity that raises so many moral questions. I try not to burn bridges with men, but will allowing myself to care for them eventually sabotage every relationship I will have? Or will a relationship come along that is so meaningful that all of my exes will become irrelevant?

–Maggie

There are a few select men in my life with whom I can picture a not unhappy future. Yes, I could spend the rest of my life with him, but no, I can’t see us ever falling in love. That being said–is love necessary in a happily ever after?

I do love these guys and would do anything for them without question. I feel like, in some cases, they are the closest thing I have to a boyfriend right now. If I lived my whole life without falling in love with someone, would companionship be enough?

–Maggie

I would like to think that in every relationship there is the utmost honesty between the couple. As ideal as this may sound, it’s just that…. an idealistic thought. My question is, at what point do we decide what to disclose and what to keep to ourselves?

This question can be applied to many aspects of the relationship, like cheating, for example. Is it worth it to tell our significant other something he may otherwise never find out just for the sake of honesty? Is honesty overrated?

I don’t think any person can answer this question unless she is in the position of holding a secret or the position of just having been told one. I know that I struggle to take a stance on the topic.

What do you think?

–Maggie

“We were having one of those great first dates you can only have when it’s not an actual date.”

In Season 5 of Sex and the City, Carrie Bradshaw meets with a fellow writer Jack Berger on a day that was too perfect not to mean something. The chemistry was there, but unfortunately so was the mention of Berger’s girlfriend. I feel like we have all had these meetings where everything is just perfect… but he’s taken.

Recently, this happened with my British crush, but it has also happened with more, well, promising relationships as well. Why is it that we have these chance meetings if there is no grounds to go anywhere? Is it to teach us that sparks don’t really mean anything?

In Carrie’s case, the sparks led to something… eventually. What do you think–should we listen to these cosmic meetings or treat them as nonsense?

–Maggie

The other day I was thinking about post break-up emotions. I have found that I handle things best when there is a definite way I should be feeling. For example, when a guy I was dating decided to hook up with other girls behind my back, I rightfully felt betrayed, hurt, and angered. But what happens when things aren’t so clear?

In my experience, this can best be described in a break up I went through because although he wanted to, he just didn’t love me. It was nothing to do with me, I did nothing wrong. For him, it simply wasn’t there, and that was simply heartbreaking.

Of course I was sad–every break up is sad in a sense. But beyond that, I had no idea how to react. I wasn’t angry, I wasn’t happy. I wasn’t with him, yet I still trusted him as if we were together.

I was in the no man’s land of relationships.

No map can get you out of there, no survival guide can prepare you. It’s up to you to use the resources you have to pull through. Even though I seem to have found my way out, there are some days that I am afraid I’ll wander back in.

–Maggie

So without any further adieu from the Duchess, read on to hear about you too can be Single for Good like Bianca is teaching us all to be! J’adore!

How did ‘Single for Good’ come to be?

‘Single for Good’ started with a ‘eureka’ moment after a morning volunteering on Valentine’s Day 2010. Instead of being a complete anti-love zombie draped head to foot in black lycra (the sexiest of all the too tight fabrics) and sending out snarky text messages to fellow Single Awareness Day observers, my cousin and I volunteered for the MGR Foundation’s (g)love Program. We assembled and distributed care packages to Chicago-area homeless people…I got the warm fuzzies and in that moment, my love life basked in the shadows of the greater good.

Following the volunteer event, I decided that if I was going to be single, I might was well be a Single for Good, which I describe as an uninhibited, love-crazed, romantic, humanitarian. I give love, as I look for love, as I blog about love. I challenge myself to not dwell (too long) in the funk being single can bring but, instead, to delight in performing acts of compassion for life and Earth.

How long have you been ‘Single for Good’?

I’ve been blogging about turning bad dates into good deeds for about 6 months now and in that time I’ve volunteered for seven different organizations, dedicated 38 hours of service and have done everything from planting broccoli at a inner-city, roof-top garden to picking up litter at a local park. I’ve also formed Team Single for Good, encouraging group volunteerism.

What has been one of the most fun or outrageous experiences you’ve had in the dating/set-up arena?

I truly think people in relationships look at singles as if we are pets in dire need of adoption. Sure, they won’t come out and call us pound-puppies whose time is running out to our faces, but the way they push us to date/marry is synonymous to wanting to see a aging, three-legged Chihuahua go to a good home; only they want to see us paired off.

Case and point, a family friend sent me a text message saying that he had someone for me to meet. He knew absolutely nothing about the guy, only that he was single. Being the good sport that I am (curiosity did kill the cat right?), I agreed to meet this man. It was the WORST DATE EVER. The guy was a complete jerk whose views on women were beyond prehistoric, to say the least. After about 30 minutes (which was 29 minutes way over-due) I immediately sought the closest exit.

What is the best dating tip/advice you’d give other single women out there?

I want to stress that I’m not tackling a mind-bogglingly difficult task such as reviving disco music; I’m simply encouraging singles to look outside of themselves to the bigger picture. By channeling negative dating experiences (scientific name Horribus Datus) and directing that energy towards causes such as the environment, poverty, womens issues, etc…image how much good could be done. And the bonus round points of creating good dating karma couldn’t hurt one bit either!

I’m sure it’s clear to you why I love Bianca and Single For Good. If you’d like to learn more about her blog or follow her on Twitter, you can find more info here.

And that’s dating according to the Duchess. Being Single for Good never sounded so great!

-Jill Brown

Jill Brown is a Los Angeles, California-based coach and writer. Her upcoming workshop “Summer Loving: Lucky in Love in Six Weeks” starts July 25th – so join! She earned her Bachelors in Humanities and Sociology from USU and is a member of the National Association for Conflict Resolution and the Ladies Who Launch Network. She is the founder of “The Duchess Guide” a website dedicated to helping women become their most fabulous selves for dating success.  For more on The Duchess Guide or Jill visit: http://theduchessguide.com/

SMW DUCHESS DIGEST INSPIRATION

Duchess Digest: Cinderella Was A Liar!

Duchess Digest: When Life Gives you Liz Lemons

Duchess Digest: I Am Not Carrie Bradshaw!

I’m referring to a night in March when I was out with my friends and met a kind of cute guy. He recognized me from a column I write in a local paper, and immediately started chatting me up. While I wasn’t interested, I didn’t let him know, and he did something absolutely remarkable.

He did all the right things.

He was sweet, funny, and flirtatious, but respectful. He was, in short, what I wish every guy I liked could be. After that initial night, he made an effort to contact me, although he never got around to asking me out.

As all of this was happening, my friends and I looked at the situation as if he was being creepy, coming on too strong. Now, four months later, it’s just occurring to me that normally I would kill for a cute guy to pursue me like this. What’s wrong?

I think I am conditioned to expect the worst, trained to put up a fight. I’m not used to the guy making it so easy. I think if there would have been chemistry, I would barely have needed to try before I would have found myself on a date with him.

Why is it that we expect the worst in men? And when behave extraordinarily well, we judge them? Is it them who are backward, or is it us?

–Maggie