Duchess Digest: Dating Don’ts!

By SMW Staff

bad datesIf you’re a single woman who is looking for love and feeling ready for that great relationship in your life, nothing feels more frustrating than slow progress. Trust me, I know! Your girlfriends have boyfriends, your siblings have spouses and you’re co-workers are all getting engaged. So what is going on with you? You’re ready – why aren’t you going on great dates and meeting a great guy?

It’s easy to ask these questions and even easier to start compromising when you feel ready and Mr. Right isn’t appearing in your experience. But as the provocative question of Carrie Bradshaw (I know, I know, I’m talking about her a lot lately but come on, we all love her and the movie is coming out in a few short weeks!) was once raised in her column on Sex & the City, ‘When does the art of compromise become compromising?”

Compromise is a key component for any great relationship to thrive. But compromising what you want from the start just to get Mr. Right Now is not the way to go!

Let me give you an example.

I recently read a post from an upset woman, we’ll call her Miss Guided, complaining there were no good guys out there based on a bad date she had recently gone out on. She went on to describe the date in detail which summarized went like this:

Single Mom (aka Miss Guided) met Single Dad at her son’s t-ball game. Initial attraction and flirting took place, single dad asked her out and they exchanged phone numbers. After about five days Miss Guided got anxious and gave Single Dad a call to set an actual date for their date. Single Dad seemed pleased to hear from her and asked Miss Guided if she could drive on their date as he was without a car at the moment. Miss Guided agreed and the date took place. After a long conversation over dinner where Single Dad made mention of a few alarming values and beliefs Miss Guided did not share, Single Dad suggested they go Dutch. After several dates like this Single Dad disappeared and Miss Guided was left wondering what happened and where it all went wrong? She was obviously the superior catch to the match so why did Single Dad bail?

Duchess to the rescue for our dear Miss Guided!

This is a simple case of a woman compromised. Miss Guided wants to be dating, so she settled for a Right Now instead of a Right fit.

  • My guess is on any single minded woman’s desired traits in a partner – a car would be a basic starting point. I’m not saying it has to even be a nice car but a man at our ages should have his financial game together enough that he has a car. Strike One.
  • Strike two in this story to me is that Miss Guided was anxious and that prompted her action to call. If anxiety is already the starting point my guess is it ain’t a great fit. When it works it works and if there is one GEM of advice I could ever impart (or truly learn myself) it is that every action we take in dating should come from a centered place. When you’ve had too many cocktails or you’re feeling lonely or just having an off day – action is the wrong move! I would highly recommend in those time that you talk to a girlfriend, talk to a coach/mentor therapist and seek a self-guided means of centering. You don’t want to rely now OR EVER on the attention or action of another person to bring you back to feeling whole. This is the number one mistake I see women make (and that I still make from time to time myself). Seek alignment with self FIRST, then take action. You’ll be in a better place to make decisions, see clearly and act in confidence.
  • On to the final strike against Single Dad – going Dutch. I’m sorry but any man who has asked you out who can’t afford to pick up the tab for coffee, lunch or dinner isn’t trying to impress you, and therefore isn’t really that into you. Sorry, he’s not. I’m not saying men should have to pick up the tab forever – certainly not the case at all! But I do think very strongly that if a man wants to get to know you, is interested in you and is ‘into you’ he’s going to pick up the first date. Be it coffee, dinner, whatever. If he’s not – toss out his number after dinner and never talk to him again. Seriously. That was a good bit of advice in the movie, He’s Just Not That Into You, when a guy likes you – he’s going to make an effort. I think a first date is a good time to be making an effort (doesn’t have to cost a lot, could be making dinner, a picnic, whatever!) and if he’s not making it to start – he’s not that into you!

And that’s dating according to the Duchess!

-Jill Brown

Have a question of your own you’d like answered? Please leave your dating questions in the comments below or email me to get your dating questions answered at: jill@theduchessguide.com. Jill Brown is a Los Angeles, California-based coach and writer. She earned her Bachelors in Humanities and Sociology from USU and is a member of the National Association for Conflict Resolution and the Ladies Who Launch Network. She is the founder of “The Duchess Guide” a website dedicated to helping women become their most fabulous selves for dating success.  For more on The Duchess Guide or Jill visit: http://theduchessguide.com/

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