Duchess Digest: Love in the Dumps. Lie About Your Age?

By -Jill Brown

One of the great things about growing up in Alaska was the male to female ratio: roughly 10:1. I found women were nearly always in demand because despite the Alaskan woman’s motto “the Odds are Good, but the Goods are Odd,” there were still plenty of burly men to go around (is this where the Duchess’s strong preference for beards stems from?). However, now that I find myself in Los Angeles it seems the tables have turned (and not in my sex’s favor) for pick-of-the-litter. So now more than ever I rely on the realistic and honest advice of the Alaskan men I grew up with when it comes to understanding the male mind. You know, tips like “No Jill, the dress doesn’t make you look fat – it’s the fat that’s making you look fat” and “getting backdoor access is a big deal, make him work for it.” Thanks guys.

So when I happened to stumble across a Twitter thread several months ago referencing a “dating score card for women” which was an elaborate point system women could use to keep track of whether or not Mr. Right Now was getting a second date. Its humor was not lost on me and I promptly “followed” my new friend ‘Love in the Dumps.’ The website was written with such sarcasm and mockery that I naturally assumed ‘LITD’ was female, being the self-absorbed and gender biased person I am. So weeks later over a fiber discussion (when it became apparent my new Tweep was a man) no one was more surprised than me that the beautiful stranger spearheading this movement was in fact, a dude.

Always wanting to give my Duchesses the best (okay and maybe learn a little something myself along the way) I asked our newly established MALE friend, from @LoveintheDumps to help us out with some dating advice from the male perspective. In any relationship it helps to seek first to understand – so I asked LITD to answer this week’s relationship question. Oh, and if you want to pick up that Dating Score Card I mentioned earlier and have it laminated, be sure to visit Love in the Dumps: a smart original content site featuring guy – girl humor, satire, and ideas about dating and relationships.

Dear Jill, I am 39, single and hit the internet dating scene a couple months ago. Problem is, all the guys who write me are like 40’s or 50’s – not really my thing. Then I found out it’s because the search function of these sites skews up. After getting messaged by one too many ‘silver foxes’, I changed my birthday to say I’m 35 and BINGO – younger, hotter men instantly wrote me! Is it wrong that I did this? Randy Cohen, who writes the New York Times “Ethicist” column, says it’s fine – I’m just beating the system!


Sincerely, Tech-savvy single gal

LITD answer:

“First of all, let’s discuss how much of an “authority” this ethicist Cohen guy really is. Homeboy is in his 50s, Jewish, lives in the ‘burbs, and has a kid. If I were to guess how much time he’s spent in the internet dating trenches I’d say none,  so my ethical analysis is that he knows close to shit on this matter. So let’s moveon.org to Loveinthedumps.com because if there ever was a dating authority, internet or otherwise, we are it.

Now to the issue at hand, lying about your age online. On this we rule: DO NOT DO IT. The reasons forthwith or is it henceforth? Or forthwith? Shit, you figure it out:

  • Nothing smells more desperate and pathetic to someone else than lying about your age (height and weight are a distant 2nd and 3rd.) Why? Because it looks like you are freaking out about your eggs going sour and literally trying to turn back the clock. Unless you can hide your real age forever, which you can’t, do not do it – once they find out you will look even older than your real age.
  • The “beating the system” argument is utter bullshit. You’re rationalizing. We all have to live with the consequences of our age. When we were young we had to accept that no one took us seriously or that we couldn’t go to R-rated movies; now you have to live with the reality of creepy old dudes sporting long, braided mullets in the style of Avatar writing you emails online instead of Rex the young buck. Here’s something you don’t want to hear, so I’m going to say it: young cats don’t dig women in their upper 30s. Sure, they might give you a roll in the hay for cougar bragging rights, but long term? Not gonna happen. Ashton and Demi are an anomaly so don’t’ even try to reference them. My point? Start taking those older fish a little more seriously, because that’s the pond you should be fishing in.

Even if it works on some fool, it sets a really bad precedent. The dude will wonder what else you’re fibbing about. “Damn, what if she’s not on birth control??” “Is she really from Omaha?” “Is she faking that orgasm?!” They’ll start thinking you’re the female version of Don Draper, and we all know what happened to his marriage.”

And that’s dating according to Love in the Dumps (with many thanks for a guest post from the Duchess).

-Jill Brown

Jill Brown is a Los Angeles, California-based coach and writer. Her upcoming workshop “Summer Loving: Lucky in Love in Six Weeks” starts July 25th – so join! She earned her Bachelors in Humanities and Sociology from USU and is a member of the National Association for Conflict Resolution and the Ladies Who Launch Network. She is the founder of “The Duchess Guide” a website dedicated to helping women become their most fabulous selves for dating success.  For more on The Duchess Guide or Jill visit: http://theduchessguide.com/


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