His Lips Unzipped: “Can I Say ‘No’ to Sex?”
By Martin Brown
I’m twenty-five and my boyfriend Zeke is twenty-eight. He’s a fun guy in a lot of ways, but I’ve got one big problem. I don’t know how else to say it, so I’ll just say it: he wants sex all the time. Well, maybe that’s overstating it a bit, but when we sleep together—which is four or five times a week—he’s all over me the moment we get into bed. I don’t want to see this relationship go down the drain but this is really starting to wear thin. Is there something I can do to cool his jets without turning him off?
—Sally P., in Pawtucket, RI
Good question Sally.
As you can probably guess, you’ve got a dilemma that many other women also face. And how you handle the situation is critical to the future success of the relationship.
I talk about men being a lot like monkeys. You might find that hard to believe, but trust me, you never hung out in a men’s locker room at the gym. Men, particularly at Zeke’s age, think about sex a lot. That’s actually a good thing. Nature wants us to propagate, and if you can’t start with a whole lot of horny guys running around, the “survival of the species” concept goes right out the window.
That said, your little bonobo (which if you didn’t know is the most human-like of all the great apes, and also the horniest) still needs to be domesticated if you’re going to take him into your bed on a regular basis. So here are some tips on how you can do that:
Be sexual, but be honest as well.
Men have a long list of insecurities. One of the things that they are most insecure about is their sexual performance. When a woman says, “Can we slow it down, say take a night off?” or simply, “Down, Boy!” usually it’s because she just want to get some sleep. On the other hand what he hears is: “I don’t find you as sexy as a lot of men. In fact, you disgust me.”
Granted, that might be a little extreme, but he figures that since you, like him, must think about sex 24/7, that the only thing holding you back from jumping his bones is that you no longer find him attractive.
This is where the “be honest” part comes in. Too often women is this situation come up with something that reflects their frustration rather than carefully considering their words and approach. So they will say such male ego-boosting words (NOT) as “I’m tired, not tonight…” or the best one of all: “Get off me, you big ape—”
That’s why you want to be honest and talk before you ever get to this point. So tell him how much you love him, how totally hot he is in your eyes, and then beg off. Suggest snuggling, or laying in the buff, together. You’re training him that not all roads lead to Rome.
Sex and sexuality are essential components in a successful relationship. Whether the guy you are with now is Mr. Forever or just Mr. Fling, practicing good sexual techniques are important in shaping the type of partner you will be in the long term. The bed you share is not a demilitarized zone, it’s a retreat where you share the warmth of each other’s bodies and souls. Recognize it as such. There is no right or wrong here. Perhaps he wants sex too often, or you don’t want it often enough. So work it out in the spirit of love and sharing. It doesn’t always have to end with someone winning and someone losing. There are a lot of creative alternatives to intercourse. Be it massage or masturbation or simply cuddlying, the point is to not fight the idea of his sexuality, but develop a comfortable rhythm of physical intimacy, that gives you both some gratification.
Don’t let intimacy become routine.
When women become bored with a man’s almost rote-like intention to “do his thing,” they fall into the role of vessel for his unbridled passions. Besides the fact that your life is not a cheap romance novel, you’re starting down a path to a lifetime of sexually dysfunctional performance. All of us like to play the victim but more often than not we put ourselves into that situation in the first place. In a successful relationship, a man and a woman are partners in and out of the bedroom. The truth is you both have needs and fantasies. Open up to each other about what those are and work though those desires. You might find fields of mutual passion that you never imagined just beyond the box that you slowly but surely created for each other.
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©2008 His Lips Unzipped, by Martin Brown. Martin is co-author, along with his wife, Josie, of Marriage Confidential: 102 Honest Answers to All the Questions Every Husband Wants to Ask, and Every Wife Needs to Know.