“I’m Falling in Love with My Best Friend’s Boyfriend…”
By Keith Ablow, MD
My best friend’s husband is a sweet guy. We get along wonderfully. In fact, I think he’s got a crush on me–and I’ll admit it: I’ve got one on him, too. Because of her travel schedule, he and I have had opportunities to hang together when she’s not around. While nothing has taken place yet, I don’t know how long either of us can keep our relationship “just friends.” I know I’d feel guilty if it went beyond that, but then again, if it feels right, why not? Help me think this through.
Thanks, Cara S., Memphis, TN
You’re walking into a psycho-sexual minefield that can blow up and leave you without your best friend and without her husband, not to mention without part of your self-respect. It’s completely understandable that you’re attracted to this man. It’s understandable he feels alone and attracted to you. But it may well be that a lot of the energy here is about underlying competitiveness you feel with your friend, not to mention the potential anger he feels toward her. Those emotions can be unconscious, yet very powerful. They can make things “feel right”—
When they’re very wrong.
Try to imagine your friend’s marriage as fragile (most marriages are) and as something she, nonetheless, values highly. If it is going to shatter, you don’t want to be the one responsible. And if it is going to survive infidelity (and many marriages do), you don’t need to carry around the guilt that’s likely to come with a few nights or weeks or months of good sex (if it is good, and some isn’t).
Also, use this moment for a little introspection: Since you’re considering becoming a big player in your best friend’s marriage, wonder about how much sibling rivalry existed in your home for the attention of your dad. Did you have to compete with your mom for his time and attention? Did he leave your family when you were growing up? In other words, is the idea of taking a man’s love from another person one that’s psychologically loaded for you?
Bottom line: Don’t go there. You’ll thank me someday.
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