John Gray Says Stop Looking for Love—and Let It Find YOU

By Josie Brown

pic1Tick tock . . . Tick tock . . . Tick tock . . .

If that’s all you hear while your date rambles on and on, making small talk in the hope that you’ll actually respond with something other than “Do you wear boxers or briefs?” as a ploy to determine his sperm count, then you’ll never find the right guy for you, says John Gray, author of the bestselling classic Men Are from Mars Women Are from Venus. His new book, Why Mars and Venus Collide, is chock full of perfect examples of good intentions gone bad when men and women don’t communicate their true desires.

“No doubt, by the time a woman reaches her mid-thirties, her first inclination is to allow her biological clock to dictate her personal needs. After all, there is a finite window for childbearing,’ explains Gray. “And regardless of whether she’s in a relationship or not, by then she is very much in tune with her desires. She has released her urge to please others. She’s molding herself, both personally and professionally, and she accepts the desire to please herself.”

All the more reason to seek a partner who is the full package, and not just “daddy material,” explains Gray.

“Your main priority should be finding a partner who is willing to satisfy you, both physically and emotionally, during all stages of your life.”

And for the first time in humanity, says Gray, the right variables allow this generation of women to do so.

“Women have a greater awareness of their own sexual needs. They are also earning more. They are purchasing homes by themselves. And yes, they are raising families on their own. Financial security gives them the opportunity to be more discriminating in their dating—and mating—options.”

pic2But if your primary objective in dating is whether or not the guy is willing to have a child immediately, you’ll only chase men away, warns Gray. “Sure, some of the guys you’ll be meeting will also be ready to have kids. But that should not be the sole criteria for the relationship.”

The bigger question, says Gray is whether this is the man with whom you will want to spend the rest of your life, after your children have grown and flown the nest. “We all know couples who have nothing to say to each other, now that the children are in college. That’s just sad.”

All the more reason to quit listening to your inner clock, and start listening to your heart.

“The ideal partner is someone who will be right for you now, during, and beyond the parenting stage of life. You want to do this right once and for all. Well, this is your chance, so go ahead and be discerning. If you’ve got the right mate traits on your wish list, you’ll recognize each other because you both will have been growing and maturing at the same speed. The best man is the one who fulfills your needs now—and wants to fulfill you for life.”

Baby Talk
Five Signs that You and Your Guy Are Speaking the Right Language

pic3Sign #1: The relationship is now exclusive.
“If he’s still dating around, he’s not ready to be a husband—let alone a daddy,” laughs Gray. “And you’d be surprised at the number of women who still hold out hope that getting pregnant will change him into one.”

Sign #2: He likes kids—and proves it.
“Does he have nieces and nephews? And if so, does he see them periodically, or remembers and celebrates their birthdays? Will he hold a baby? If so, he sees himself as a dad, eventually,” says Gray.

Sign #3: He broaches the topic first.
“That is proof that kids are on his mind, too,” explains Gray. “If he’s already there, then that opens the door for you to discuss significant issues about childrearing.”

Sign #4: He has no time line in mind.
Neither of you should feel as if you’re being pressured to have a child—particularly if you haven’t first lived together as a couple, so that you can learn each other’s differences. “If he wants to rush it, you need to ask why,” says Gray. “If he wants to hold off, that’s a red flag, too.”

Sign #5: His work is important—but so are you.
A man who is married to his job won’t be a guy who puts his family first. Says Gray: “Absentee dads make both kids and their moms sad.”

pic4Great Mate Traits
Is he right for you—now and forever? Yes, if he’s . . .

  • Romantic
  • Has a strong sexual appetite
  • Shows respect to you
  • Trusts you, and is trustworthy
  • A giver, not a taker
  • Loves it when you laughs—and laughs a lot, too
  • Loves family—his and yours
  • Got a few traditions that are important to him
  • Is comfortable around kids
  • Shares with you, emotionally
  • Generous, as opposed to selfish, with his personal effects
  • Loves spending his off-time with you

More Great SingleMindedWomen Advice

Fitness Guru Bob Greene Tells You How to Set Goals–and Reach Them

Bella De Paulo Tells You Why You Want to be Singled Out

Samantha Daniels, Matchmaker Extraordinaire: In Person, and Online