Q&A with John Gray: “My boyfriend doesn’t want to go home with me!”
By John Gray
“I’ve been looking forward to going home for the holidays—with my boyfriend on ten months. But he’s been making up excuses as to why he’d rather stay here. He knows how much this means to me, and it hurts my feelings that he could care less about meeting my parents. At the point, I’m pouting, not talking. Can I make him change his mind?” — Arial K., Fort Collins, CO
As it should be, this is a very important event for you: you are in a committed relationship, and you are ready to introduce the man in your life to those who mean the most to you: your parents and siblings.
So, why isn’t he just as excited as you?
I can give you two possible reasons. Perhaps he’s worried that he can’t live up to their expectations. Remember, you’ve built him up to them in a very big way.
Worse case scenario: he’s not ready to meet them because he’s not as into you, as you are into him.
That said, you should give one more shot at letting him explain why, at this point in time, he may not feel the timing is right to meet the parents. While doing so, you’ll also get one more chance to make your case, too.
Here’s how you’ll do it:
1. Explain. Without blame or anger, explain that you’re still disappointed that he isn’t open to meeting your parents now. Explain that you understand how stressful it may seem, but that it’s important to you that all of you meet—and come to enjoy each other over this short, holiday visit.
2. Ask. Encourage him to discuss with you why he may be feeling ambivalent. While he sorts out his feelings out loud, he may actually talk himself into going. Even if he doesn’t, at least you’ll have a fuller picture as to how he’s feeling about the issue.
3. Empathize. Let him know that you’d feel the same way if the shoe were on the same foot (broad hint). That said, you want him to know that being there by your side will be the best gift he could give you this holiday season—and leave it at that.
4. Give it a rest. If he still refuses to go, let him know that, next year you hope he has a change of heart. That said, if he doesn’t, then it’s time that you reconsider your own options. No matter his other attributes, man who doesn’t want to know more about you—or your family—isn’t worth any more of your time.
Additional SMW Relationship Advice from John Gray
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John Gray is the author of Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus. the number one best-selling relationship book of the last decade. In the past ten years, over 30 million Mars and Venus books have been sold in over 40 languages throughout the world. His latest book is Mars and Venus Collide: Improving Relationships While Understanding How Men and Women Cope with Stress. Check out John’s website: www.MarsVenusLiving.com