Q&A with John Gray: “Why Doesn’t He Call?”

By John Gray

I thought my blind date and I had a really good time together—particularly when he said he’d call. But it’s been a week now, and I haven’t heard a peep from him. Seriously, I find it frustrating that men find the need to lie like that. What gives?”—Claudia P., Brooklyn, NY

As hard as this is to hear, the bottom line is that he’s not as interested in you as you are in him.

Since our custom is that the male makes the first (second and third) moves, men are left with a dilemma: Should he end a perfect evening with some brutally honest line, like: “Thanks for going out with me tonight—but you’ll never hear from me again, because I don’t have any attraction to you…” or throw out a half-hearted commitment, say: “Thanks for nice evening. I’ll call you, maybe, later in the week, to see what you’re up to…”?

I guess women would have to ask themselves what they’d do, if the shoe were on the other foot. Of course, every woman I’ve known has been in a similar situation: You’ve had a miserable time, but he calls again…

And suddenly you’re coming up with excuses that you hope will let him down gently, but still give him the hint that you won’t be making yourself available to him. Do these phrases sound familiar? “Sorry, I’ve got a very busy week…” and “I’m having out -of-town company…”

Hmmm. I thought so.

That said, there’s nothing wrong with trying to change his mind. To do so, though, you’ll have to take the initiative. That means not sitting by the phone, waiting for it to ring, but actually picking it up and calling him, instead.

And since his own actions are a very broad hint as to what you’re up against, try by being his friend first. If you feel the conversation when well and you know his tastes and desires, play to that. Your hanging together can be, say, at a sports event you know he’ll like (“I’ve got an extra ticket to the Warriors game, for Friday night. Are you up for that?”) or a group gathering that shouts out “friends” as opposed to “relationship.” (“A group of friends are meeting after work at Harry’s Bar. Want to join us?”).

This gives him a chance to know you better, but takes the pressure off of him to consider you anything else—for now, anyway.

And who knows? Maybe he was right to back off, for reasons that were unclear on your initial meet-and-greet.  It’s always better to have a good friend, as opposed to a mediocre boyfriend.

Additional Relationship Advice

 John Gray Says Stop Looking for Love—and Let It Find YOU

Sex and the SMW: “Why do I attract married men?”

Q&A with John Gray: Why am I a lousy first date?”



John Gray is the author of Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus. the
number one best-selling relationship book of the last decade. In the
past ten years, over 30 million Mars and Venus books have been sold in
over 40 languages throughout the world.
His latest book is Mars and Venus Collide: Improving Relationships While Understanding How Men and Women Cope with Stress.  Check out John’s website: www.MarsVenusLiving.com