Sex and the SMW: “Why do I attract married men?”

By Josie Brown

pic1I’m a very sensual person and I have no problem attracting men. Unfortunately, the ones who buzz around me the most (and for that matter, seem the most attractive to me) are always married. I’ll admit it: I’ve dated several married men. A few times I didn’t know until after the fact. On the occasions I knew up front, I figured that having a great time with a sexy guy whose willing to spend money on me is better than sitting home by myself. No harm, no foul, right? Wrong. My last two affairs were heartbreaking. I fell head-over-heels. I thought they had, too; but not enough to leave their wives for me. Is there something wrong with me?  —Carole, R., in Memphis, TN

Using your sexuality isn’t your problem. That said, you have to ask yourself why it’s only the guys with rings on their fingers that respond to your natural charms.

Any married guy who pursues you does so because he isn’t happy in his marriage, and is looking for a diversion until he has the guts to fix his relationship, or get out of it.

Sure the sex is great. And maybe the excitement of sneaking around—and maybe even getting caught—is part of the turn-on. But will his attentions grow into something that takes it out of the bedroom and into the real world?  I doubt it.

Why not? Because he’s with you for all the wrong reasons.

Sure, he may tell you that you understand him better than his wife ever did. He may buy you pretty playthings, and he may take you to nice places (where you won’t run into his wife or friends). But the experiences that prove you’re a couple whose love can stand the test of time, the mundane day-to-day give and take that allows you to grow together, compromise, and reconcile, needs more space and time and effort than he’s willing to give. Or that you’re willing to give, for that matter.

The simple truth is that if you were looking for something real, something permanent, you’d be looking somewhere else.

Like, say, at some of those single guys who seem to be less of a challenge. Trying being more attentive to them, and maybe you’ll have the kind of relationship that finally sees the light of day.

More Sex and the SMW Relationship Advice Articles

“Why do I attract men who can’t commit?”

“Help! I’m in love with my best friend’s boyfriend…”

“I only date younger men…”

Josie Brown, SMW’s relationship editor, is the author of two snarky Hollywood novels: Impossibly Tongue-Tied, and True Hollywood Lies. She is also co-author, along with her husband Martin, of Marriage Confidential: 102 Honest Answers to the Question Every Husband Wants to Ask, and Every Wife Needs to Know.