Dudes, or Dildos? Sex Toys and Your Sex Life

By Josie Brown

lollipopDo sex toys enhance your sex life?

Great question.  In fact, Duke University is currently conducting a study on the topic—to the consternation of Reverend Joe Vetter of the Duke University Catholic Center, who claims that it hurts more than it helps.

In other words, he thinks women will find their toys more pleasurable than their boys.

He’s already lodged a complaint with university administrators, and he’ll also preach about on Sunday.

By going through relationships, we learn the lessons that (a) attraction does not necessarily lead to love; (b) sex is not the same as romance, and (c) and lust does not mean a great relationship is to follow.

The end game should be a loving, respectful relationship where both partner enjoy sex.

So, where do sex toys (no pun intended) fit in?

Anything that enhances your mutual physical and emotional enjoyment should be allowed in your bedroom.

Trust me, your partner won’t feel left out if you introduce him to the who/what/when/where and how.

Here’s how to go about it:

1. Try It! You Might Like It!

Cross dressing, role playing and bondage allow both of you to use your imagination and live out your fantasies. There’s just as much fun in the planning as the execution. Take time to write down your thoughts, the talk them through together. What he says may surprise you, sure. But what you reveal about yourself will be a big wake-up call, and give your sexlife the quantum leap it needed.

sex-toys2. Sex Makes Sense(s)

Whipped cream, aromatic candles, body paint and edible panties fall into this category, as do ben wa balls and the ceramic dildos in which you just add hot or cold water for a singular sensation.

To make it work for both of you: share and share alike. The food stuff is a given. That’s just desserts. The balls and dildo are a great teaching tool. He’ll learn more about you if he’s allowed to place them in you.

3. Boy vs. Toy

Vibrators provide the ultimate sensation. Even if your guy has staying power and considers himself a pile driver, he’s got to face facts: he’s not the EveReady Energizer Bunny. So that everyone gets the have fun, let him play conductor with it — and remind him that it’s the appetizer, but he’s the main course. Then treat him that way.

4. Have Fun — but Play Fair!

Constraints, and whips, and paddles, oh my! Sex toys are the domain of the dominatrix. Whether you’re a top or a bottom, exploring your boundaries is the goal. The most important rule: safety. Establish a safe word that means “Enough already!” Both of you should abide by it. Swapping roles doesn’t hurt (okay, maybe a little) but that’s tit for tat, right?


cigfmr180Josie Brown is SingleMindedWomen.com’s Relationship Channel Editor, and co-author, with her husband Martin, of THE COMPLETE IDIOT’S GUIDE TO FINDING MR. RIGHT, the perfect self-help manual for your BFF (…okay, and for you, too).

Look for Josie’s third novel, SECRET LIVES OF HUSBANDS AND WIVES, in bookstores June 2010.

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