His Lips Unzipped: Single Gal, Married Guy, and the Pitfalls…
By Martin Brown
I’m head over heels in love with a guy who works in my building. I’ve got to tell you he’s terrific in every way except—for the fact that he’s married. Our little conversations by the water cooler have become longer and he suggested that we meet for drinks after work. I know I’m on thin ice here, but he has such a great smile! Is there anyway I can keep this just friends and not fall into something that could louse up both our lives? Any advise from a man’s point of view would be most appreciated.
—At The Tipping Point, in Salt Lake City, UT
There’s nothing unusual about the situation that you find yourself in. The question now, as you suggest, is where does this go from here?
From what you have written it’s pretty clear that you both have a physical attraction to each other. That happens, we’re flesh and blood, and the urge to merge can overwhelm our better judgment to resist.
But the very fact that you have taken the time to sit down and write me about your concerns is proof positive that you are having second thoughts about where this is all leading. Here are a couple of tips:
Tip #1: Don’t get involved.
First, you asked me from a man’s point of view if I have any advice. With that in mind, I must say that when a guy locks and loads on a target, it gets tougher with each passing day not to pull the trigger. You might assume the male mind works like yours: In other words, “think”, then “sex.” But for most men, particularly guys under forty, the power of the little head overwhelms the reason of the bigger head.
So if you’re looking for him to walk with you up to the edge of the bed take you by the shoulders, give you a warm kiss on the cheek and say, “Hey what are we doing here? I’m a married man with a kind and loving wife waiting for me at home…” that’s not going to happen. This isn’t a Disney movie. This is real life.
Furthermore if he’s hot to complete a forward pass, you’re setting yourself up for the: “Yes I’m married, but I feel so isolated, I’m having second thoughts, can we just talk…” routine. You can buy what he’s selling if that’s where your heart wants to take you—
But chances are he’s selling you a line. He simply wants to go back to his swinging single days—but he shouldn’t expect you to come along for the ride.
You need to take Mr. Bright Smile aside and tell him what you just told me: that he’s terrific in every way—except for the fact that he’s married. And it’s okay that he’s married, but if he’s having problems in his marriage, well then that’s something he needs to work through—with his wife.
This is a nice way you’re saying “Get your act together, and when you do, I’d be very interested in dating you. But, not now.”
And by the way, you’re best off telling him this in a public place because if it’s somewhere you’re alone, he will probably still do his best to convince you that now is the time and you “really mean a lot to me.” As I said, when a man is in lock and load mode it gets pretty tough to stand-down.
Tip #2: Again, don’t get involved.
Affairs have a whole sordid dynamic of their own. If you don’t want to be standing at the bitter end of a broken affair, don’t go down that road in the first place. Just remember that the opportunity to be with a partner that you feel a strong attraction to is a little like turning down that chocolate cheesecake that you find so hard to resist. Come the next morning, the man is long gone (just like that cheesecake) and the only thing you’re left with is the feeling that you did a really dumb thing. Save yourself the trouble and tell him, “thanks, but no thanks.”