How to Talk About Sex–with Him

By Martin Brown

One way you can improve your odds of having a long and healthy life is to develop and maintain a great sex life. Many studies show that a satisfying sex life is just as important a marker in lasting health as diet and exercise.

Unfortunately for most of us, great sex is too often a sometime thing. Whether you’re living the single life and experiencing a drought in your love life or you’re part of a couple that’s fallen into a love rut, having sex is easier than having a happy and ongoing sex life.

Perhaps there is no topic that we think about more and talk about less than our own sexual desires. Women, for example, spent over $1.3 billion last year buying new works of romance fiction. And, in spite of the numerous ways we live in a sexually charged world from books, to films, to music, to advertising, we often find our sexual needs a very hard topic to discuss even with a partner we’ve been intimate with for several months, or several years.

Our culture would lead us to believe that sex is sparked by physical desire. While this may well be true for men, there is a growing body of research that indicates that a woman’s sexual appetite is more complex than that of a man. Beyond physical desire a woman’s prime motivator in her sexuality could well be the desire to feel closer and to show to a potential partner.

On the topic of arousal women show a greater degree of variation in their desires than men show in their responses. For some women arousal is essential but that is not necessarily true of orgasm, while for some women reaching orgasm is very important.

Even in relationships that have a long history, male partners are often uncertain as to what pleases a woman sexually . An important reason why sharing openly your sexual needs and desires can be highly beneficial in creating a more fulfilling sex life for both of you.

Obviously there’s a lot to talk about, but if possible start the discussion at a time when you are both feeling close. Perhaps laying in bed together and simply enjoying each other’s company. The last thing you want to do with any man is to let him think that your desire to discuss your sex life is motivated by the fact that you are less than happy with his performance in bed. To the contrary you need him to know that you’re pleased with your shared intimacy and because you are you want to make it even better by sharing.

Shared Pleasure: Be open about what turns you on. Don’t make this into a “do this, don’t do that,” discussion. But rather a “do more of this,” conversation punctuated with a lot of words like, “I love it when you do….and I’d like us to also do…” Take that approach and your wish will be his command.

Making Time for Love: In today’s world where we seem to always work harder to make less, its important to discuss making time for intimacy. A shared sex life can easily be put off and pushed aside and when this happens the bond between you begins to fade. Don’t let that happen. Be open and honest about your need to make time for love.

Romance Extras: We often know what these are we just get lazy and let romantic opportunities slip away. Don’t let that happen. Light those candles, encourage him to commit random acts of romance, and every aspect of you love life will be that much better.

Variety Versus Rut: Another easy trap for couples to fall into is letting their sex life devolve into a same old, same old cycle. Ideally we’re suppose to grow in love, but routine can create an easy path to sexual boredom. When you see that happening you need to step out of the rut and do all those little extras that say I need your love in so many different ways.

Expectations: We all have them and that’s a good thing. Expectations is why we keep trying to improve our love life. Don’t settle for ho hum. Sex should be as exciting as you are; so keep heading in that direction and over time you will create the healthy happy sex life you want.


Martin Brown is the Heath Channel Editor for, and co-author of The Complete Idiot’s Guide to Finding Mr. Right.

His next book, Fit in 50 Days, will be available May 2011.