What Do Women Like In Bed?

By Lissa Rankin, MD

What do women like in bed? My boyfriend is asking and I’m too embarrassed to talk about it. Can you help?

The question isn’t what I think women like in bed. What he’s really asking is what YOU like in bed. Count your blessings. This guy cares what you think! Throw out your inhibitions and tell him the truth. Here are few generalizations you might use as guidelines, but don’t take my word for it. Write your own sexual manifesto.  The truth will set you free.

A Cheat Sheet For Guys (print this out and slip it under your guy’s pillow!)

1.         Every woman is different. If your super-duper signature technique had your last girlfriend curling her toes and bellowing out to Mother Mary, good for you. But don’t expect the same thing to work on your new lover.  Our bodies  – and needs  – vary drastically. One size does not fit all.

2.         A woman’s body is like an old beater car in subzero weather. It takes a while to warm us up.  Don’t expect a warm welcome if you zip straight to the vagina without a little foreplay. Our bodies sometimes need a little coaxing. Too often, we live completely in our heads. Our minds are spinning with thoughts about work, the kids, and tomorrow’s to-do list. If you help bring us into our bodies by arousing different erogenous zones, like the ears, the lips, the breasts, the inner thigh, the belly button, even the toes, you help remind us that our bodies can offer pleasure if we only inhabit them.

3.         Love us and earn our trust.  For most women, sex and love get all tangled. Not to say there aren’t some out there who enjoy just getting on for the sake of sex. But most of us see sex as an expression of love, and if we don’t feel nurtured, we may not get all hot and bothered when you want to shake the sheets. Treat us tenderly, and pleasure will likely follow.

4.         Set the mood in the bedroom.  Surprise us with candles, mood music, and a flower on the pillow. Whisper sweet nothings. Don’t serve up silly platitudes, but say what you feel. When we cover our bellies with our hands and try to turn off the light, tell us we’re beautiful, just the way we are. Share how much you care. Romance gets us in the mood and helps us relax.

5.         Know a woman’s anatomy. Need help? Take the Pretty Pink Pussy Tour.

6.         Think sensually, not sexually.  Immerse yourself in the sensory experience and find your own timing together.

7.         Give us permission to offer feedback, and don’t take it personally. If we don’t respond to something you’re doing, it doesn’t reflect on your skill as a lover. It just doesn’t work for our unique anatomy and physiology. If you act dejected every time we offer you feedback, we’re likely to stop trying to help you please us. Accept constructive criticism lovingly.

8.         NEVER EVER compare us to another woman. We don’t care what the hell Jill or Sally or Maryanne liked in bed. If you think about other women when you’re making love to us, please  – for the love of God  – keep your thoughts to yourself.

9.         Fine tune your radar. Even if you invite us to offer feedback, we may not feel comfortable talking about sex.  Many of us have been so conditioned to consider sex taboo that we clam up when the subject arises. Learn to read our subtle signals, and over time, you will discover what pleases us.  Little grunts, moans, and heavy breathing usually signal YES, and while silence may simply signal shyness, it may also mean that what you’re doing isn’t working. Pay attention to body language too. When we move towards you, it’s a good sign, and if we adjust our body to a different angle, we might be trying to show you where we wants you to be.

10.     Be gentle and go slow. There’s no race to the finish line here. Remember how sensitive girl parts are. Don’t mash on us (unless we ask you to!) Start slow, then gently pick up the pace as you go. Don’t start banging us around like you’re trying to get to home base before we’ve even gotten up to bat. You may get sprung in 10 seconds flat, but chances are, we’re still thinking about how little Johnny’s teacher thinks he needs a reading tutor, or whether we’re prepared for that big presentation at work tomorrow.  Be patient with us and our monkey minds.

11.     Pull out the Kama Sutra. No need to focus all your energy on making us orgasm during intercourse, but why not try?  Check out some books about sexual positions and have fun experimenting. You never know what might hit the spot for your lover. Be creative.

12.     Don’t take it personally if we don’t orgasm during intercourse. Some lucky women get off from the mere thought of intercourse, but the majority of women do not orgasm through intercourse alone. If you expend so much energy trying to make us cum during intercourse, you may miss the rich opportunity to satisfy us in other ways. Sure, try your darnedest to please us. But don’t pressure us. Many women will not orgasm during intercourse, even with the most skilled partner.

13.     Help us out. If your lover prefers to orgasm during intercourse, start with oral sex to help sensitize her delicate organs.  Encourage her to explore positions that stimulate her clitoris, such as the woman-on-top position. Use your hands to touch her while you’re having intercourse, or invite her to touch herself. She knows best what feels good, and if you tell her how much it turns you on to see her touch herself, she may feel more comfortable augmenting her own pleasure.

14.     Most women love oral sex. To a woman, it just doesn’t get much better than this. Soft, wet tongue meets delicate pink pearl. Can you hear us purr? We love it even more if we think you do too. Start gently. Explore the inner thighs, the labia, the opening to the vagina. When body language indicates that we’re ready, lick, suck, and swirl the clitoris in circles, mixed with up and down motions.  Use your hands to explore the rest.

15.     Just because you’re done doesn’t mean we are. If you cum before we do, no stress. Just finish the job and help us feel as good as you do.

16.     Invite sex toys into the bedroom. The sex toys are your friends, not your competition. Let them stimulate both of you, and encourage her to explore.

17.     Get Tantric or explore Taoist sexuality. In addition to deepening your connection to your partner, elevating your lovemaking to a spiritual plane may contribute to your spiritual growth together.  Check out The Multi-Orgasmic Couple by Mantak Chia, Maneewen Chia, Dr. Rachel Carlton Abrams, and Douglas Abrams for exercises in Taoist sexuality.  Or try Urban Tantra: Sacred Sex for the Twenty-First Century by Barbara Carellas. If you’re interested in Tantric sexuality but short on time, read Tantric Sex for Busy Couples: How to Deepen Your Passion in Just Ten Minutes a Day by Diana & Richard Daffner.

18.     Remember that sex is about making love. Don’t get so focused on technique that you forget to connect.  Look deeply into our eyes. Caress us lovingly. Tell us how you feel. Hug us. Love us.

19.     Cuddle when it’s over. Please don’t jump up and go watch the game. We make ourselves vulnerable, put ourselves out there, and want to know you’re still with us when it’s over. Snuggle in and stick around a while.

Lissa Rankin MD is the author of the book, What’s Up Down There, and the founder of OwningPink.com . To enter our contest for a copy of Lissa book (courtesy of UByKotex.com), comment below on some question you have about…you know, down there!)

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