First let me say that
I
am incredibly honored to be writing this column for
SingleMindedMoms.com. and offer my
dating and
relationship advice. But before we get into all of that, I thought I would spell out some guiding lights - the things every
single mom needs - to succeed in life, as a mother, at work and in relationships. I'm calling them the
Single Mom's 10 Commandments.
This is the first installment. If you have any more to add please leave a comment!
1.
Love thyself. This one comes first. Because
single moms, if you don't love yourself you won't ever feel truly content and in turn, won't be able to give 100% of yourself to your
kids or significant other. Nearly one year ago I wrote a post about my
relationship fears. And an amazing man popped in to give me
advice that changed my life.
He said, "
If you only know 10 % of yourself, how can you expect to know more than 10 % of another person? If a man was to try and get to know you and you only know a little about yourself, he can only have a relationship with the little he knows of you. If you turn that around, would you be interested in a having a relationship with anyone if you knew that you could only get to know 10% or even 50% of that person. It would not be wise. We often hide the worst till last." Read the rest of his invaluable advice here.
2.
Thou shalt not settle. You are a
single mother and yes you have your hands full with responsibilities most single and
childless men can't even fathom, but this does not mean you have to settle for anything less in a
relationship. You are still an incredibly desirable woman. Yes, there will be obstacles and yes some men will shy away from beginning a relationship with you. But those who do dive in will be the best of the best, the cream of the crop - the men who really, truly love you.
I may still be single, two years into my
single motherhood, but one thing is certain - men still fall for us and they fall hard. And when they do you may think to yourself, "I'm so lucky - I've found one! This could be as good as it gets."
Stop right there. Do you really want to compromise your desires just so you aren't alone anymore? Is being alone really that bad? I know it's not easy. I have nights, even now, when I think the silence in my house is going to eat me alive, suck every piece of hope from my body. But in the morning, I wake up and it's passed. I am going to wait for my Mr. Right. I will never settle just because I'm a
single mom, you shouldn't either. You must realize that
being a single mom does not make me any less of a woman, or any less desirable.
3.
Thou shalt not punish thyself. Depending on where you live, you may feel like you have a Scarlet letter seared across your forehead. A woman with a child and
a bare left finger. You may be the object of disapproving stares or shaking heads. I personally have yet to experience this and I believe it's because I'm not looking for them. I am not ashamed of being a
single mother. On the contrary I wear my single motherhood as a badge of honor. I made a choice. I left my ex-husband because I knew it was what was best for my son. If you do feel ashamed ask yourself why? Where is the root of the shame? Is it coming from family members, co-workers or society? Maybe, just maybe, you will be the single mother who changes their stereotypes. You know what is best for your child and spending one minute of your day thinking about feeling ashamed is a waste of his time and yours. It won't get you anywhere.
4.
Thou shalt not live in the past. Time does heal all wounds but only if you leave the past behind you. If you live in the past you will never be able to truly appreciate the future. This means you have to let it all go. Your ex-husband. The memories of what was or what could have been. Bury them. Let the good memories live on for your children but let the could haves, should haves and would haves fall by the wayside. With that said, it's also best not to obsess about the future. Just as day dreaming about men in the past can harm you, day dreaming about a knight in shining armor to rescue you can also be just as damaging. Learn to be content with who you are - in the now. Day by day. Moment by moment.
5. Thou shalt ask for help. This is, perhaps, my greatest challenge.
Single mothers, by the very nature of our existence, are fortified in this uncanny strength. That strength gets us through the toughest days, the days when we don't know how we can go on. But it can also keep us from accepting help. Many of us, like myself, have been virtually abandoned by our child's father. I have a handful of friends and am just now, after two years, learning how to ask for help. And to my surprise, they are more than willing to make my days easier. Asking is the hardest part but you owe it to yourself, your children and your friends to give yourself a few extra hands and some guilt-free "me" time.